Blog entry for:

this morning as i slowly get into my workday when all my teammates are enjoying a day off, i am feeling slow and lazy. i guess there is nothing wrong with that, as my day yesterday was not as slow nor as lazy as i would have liked it to be. i am now financially bound to a friend and former sponsee as he signed over a check to me. i get why he asked me to “help” him out, he trusts me. i also get why i agreed to do so, i trust myself. the truth is, i could quite easily “run off” with his money, ghost him and not look back. back in the day, that option might have been the an option i exercised with extreme prejudice. these days, i was hesitant to agree to steward his money because i could think of options just like the one i proposed. the odd part of all of this, is he knows that i am quite capable of ripping him off and yet he still has enough faith and trust in me to go through with letting go of his funds. he knows that i am JUST LIKE HIM, the only thing that is different is that i have a minute clean, a minute off paper and a minute trying to live by the spiritual principles that are expressed in my program of recovery.
i have to admit that when i first started hanging around the rooms, i did not think anyone that was already here, were anything “like” me. it too months before is started to relate, years before i felt i was part of them and a decades before i felt comfortable enough being here to show who i truly am. one might say, and they would be correct, that i was a slow learner, fatally resistant to change with a terminally closed mind. my biggest success is that i did not stop showing up, i stayed clean and i allowed myself the FREEDOM to be okay not being okay. this morning as i get ready to wrap this up, i am grateful that the POWER that fuels my recovery, provided me with just enough open-mindedness, willingness and honest to make it to this place in my life.
as i get rolling into my day, by walking several thousand steps, i can be certain that no matter what, i can be the sort of person that one can trust with 19K. as ironic as it may feel to me, i can be proud that i have morphed into that sort of person and the real task will be to keep the person whose funds i am managing from spending it all in one place. life on this side of the grass is pretty groovy today and i think the time has come to make it reality instead of just another possibility by stepping out and getting stuff done, just for today.

∞ DT ∞