Blog entry for:

...gifts that i have always dreamed of but never dared hope i would get. all i am promised is freedom from addiction-- and that is more than enough! so i have been pondering the nature of what i think i am entitled to, what i have been promised and what i expect, over the course of the past few days. the impetus of this introspection has been my less than stellar performance in establishing a relationship out if the ashes of one that i burned to the ground by speaking my mind. i guess, what i see friendship as, and what the other party sees friendship as, are entirely two different creatures, and it is more than probable that we will never meet anywhere close to the middle. i am too well these days to give myself away cheaply, and although i desire, perhaps even require this relationship, i will no longer be a junior partner. so of course, that has forced me to be hyper-aware of how i am treating my other relationships, after all, this could turn into a kettle black situation in the blink of an eye.
before i go on, i better tie this into the reading. one of the gifts that i have been given is that i now accept myself as i am, this has come after step work and sitting down with my sponsor. who i thought i was, and who i have become are quite a bit different, BUT it is my sponsor, and my friends who keep me in check by breaking through the wall of denial about what and who i am. with their assistance, i confidently accept who i am, and allow the changes to be manifest in my life as to who i will become.
the second gift as it relates to my morning ramble is the ability to desire and participate in truly intimate relationships, without giving myself away.
so anyhow, with those gifts in my, and given the sad state of my behavior in trying to reset and redefine a relationship, of course my daily inventories now tend towards how well am i doing in being an equal partner with those i consider my friends? as i evaluate my actions and make the changes necessary in my life to insure that those people are given their due respect and equality. am i honoring their terms as often as they are honoring mine? am i listening to what is being said and responding appropriately? and most importantly of all, am i honoring the agreements that we have established over the course of our relationship?
since this is what i desire most from my side, these days this is what i check on the most when looking at my behaviors. will i ever get the relationship i desire from the ashes of the one that has preceded it, i do not know, currently there is very little hope there, and i can accept that what i want may not be part of what the other partner in this enterprise can give.
where is the HOPE? well, for one, that i can let go and let things work out as they will. i will not use over this. and i get to use my expectations as a yardstick for how i treat others. the gift i get is to be a more healthy, well-rounded human being.
so off to the streets to use the other gift i have been given -- the desire to mainyain my physical health.

∞ DT ∞