Blog entry for:

YOU will get married, live in the suburbs, have 2.6 children, and start wearing polyester.
yes as ridiculous as that sounds, it is quite similar to what i wanted to hear when i walked into the doors and my head cleared up enough to start to actually have the first inklings of the desire to stay clean. no not the polyester, bust certainly never again have to wear someone else's skivvy shorts. no not the part of the suburbs but certainly never again have to reside as a guest of the Boulder county sheriff's department or as a ward of the state. all i wanted was freedom from my legal problems and when the noise in my head quieted down enough to actually hear something, i realized that was not part of what i was being promised in recovery. when i realized that i at once felt fVcking ripped off, after all i did not really have a drug problem, the way the others who were here did. it was not really an addict, it was just a phase that i was passing through, even though it lasted a quarter of a century, and since i was on vacation form the using life, what i was being offered and what i wanted were two different things.
so this morning, as i sit here pounding this out, i am really struck by what the promise of freedom form active addiction has come to mean for me. seriously, who would have ever thought that i would be waking up at 5:15 AM on a Sunday morning, so i could head out to see someone out in BFE Colorado. i never would have believed that i would be willing to alter my plans to be a part of something this evening, that i cannot control the outcome of, even though i have a strong preference of how i want things to work out. never before, would i be looking forward to getting some m ore work done and commuting into Boulder from Longmont, for a real 9 to 5 job, that i actually enjoy going to. most importantly, never in my wildest dreams, would i have imagined i could find a woman, who loves me just the way i am, AND wants to be a partner and not a dependent.
anyhow, the hour grows late, so i will end with this, the promise of FREEDOM from active addiction, just for today is more than enough reward for working the steps and being a member of the “NO MATTER WHAT” club, at least for this addict in recovery and at least just for today.

∞ DT ∞