Blog entry for:

and frightening predictions are gratefully not what i got when i arrived at the doors of the rooms of recovery. of course, because i was a cross-fellowshipper, playing one program of recovery off another, i always felt ripped off that this fellowship had a single promise and lacked the sort of “promises” implied by members of that other one. they seemed to be saying that IF i did not drink i WOULD have all that they has,d the money, the prestige, the beautiful wife, the Harley-Davidson, the house and the respect of everyone who met me. the message i “heard” time and again, was that they would show me how to be a success, IF only i did not drink.
of course, most of those members were not saying that at all. that was what i wanted and that was what i took away from those rooms, and in the long run, even after some of that started coming true, i still felt empty and without purpose.it was not that fellowship that was lacking, nor the members whose words i misinterpreted that were the problem either, no it was me, i was in the wrong fellowship and certainly was not getting what i need, even as their twelve promises started to become reality for me.
when i finally realized that living half in two different fellowships did not constitute a “whole” recovery program for me, i made a choice and am grateful that i finally committed to something. being a part of the fellowship that has given me a new way of living, is an amazing thing. the notion that freedom from active addiction is the only promise offered, sounds terribly sparse, but what i have discovered is that from that promise many of the gifts i once sought elsewhere have been manifested in my life. what keeps me coming back is that promise, and not some flowery words from the 1930s written by two old white guys. i GET to stay clean and as a result continue to get FREEDOM from active addiction and as a human being i have grown. before i go any further, i must admit that i have received many of the material things i once craved in early recovery, that i thought i could get, if only i did not drink. what i did not bargain for, back in the day, is a sense of who i am and the serenity i find when i shutdown the internal dialogue to “hear” what is really going on inside and outside of me. it is true that i do not own a Harley, but for me tropical vacations are a better choice. it is also true that because i get that promise every day i live a program of active recovery, i am not the resident creep at most meetings, i am not the last chosen to participate and my peers, family members and friends can count on me to be there for them. rainbows and daisies aside, what i get most is the relief from the most destructive force that was part of my life, the NEED to use every single day. not using, makes it easier not to use and if i do not use, i get to have another day free from active addiction.
which brings me to the notion of what was going on inside of me the other night when the busload of treatment clients ruled the roost. i have an expectation that when i go to a meeting, i will be able to get something, anything, from everyone who shares. it really sucks for me, and i get resentful when i hear the same bullsh!t over and over again, even from those members with time and seem to profess to having “SUPREME” recovery. the fact is, i want to hear what is happening in the lives of my peers today and how this program of recovery plays into that life. i do not what kept them clean yesterday, nor what they think they may want to do tomorrow. i am all about looking good, been there done that and lived that way for far too long. these days i am more about living good and if i get to look good as a side-effect, more power to me. living good, is a side-effect of living the promise of FREEDOM from active addiction for me, and when i finally pull my a$$ out of my head for long enough to discover yes another unmet expectation, i get to take the steps i need to take to meet or eliminate that expectation from my life. it is after all, all about today, and today i am grateful that i am free from active addiction and finding a new way to live.

∞ DT ∞