Blog entry for:

freedom from active addiction.
lots of ways to go this morning and more than track is on my mind this morning. as is start to **feel** what i heard and the events over the past few days, i start to get a sense of where i am going.
a peer told me that “THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM,” yesterday and i would have to agree with them, things seldom are. i have a clue or two what they are talking about, but this morning, this is not about them, it is all about me.
when i was in active addiction and into my early recovery, things were never what they seemed to be for me. i was doing my best to tap0dance around the issue, obfuscate my behaviors and get away with a whole lot of bullsh!t on the down-low. part of my thinking was that really did not “need” top be here, as i had a legal problem, and maybe a little drug problem, but was certainly NOT an addict. even though i heard the single promise i was looking at the gifts, and that is what i sought, in more ways than those that are suggested. i wanted the career, the relationships, the social life, the money, the car and the house, and came to believe that was what i would get, if i stayed clean. i mean, seriously, was that not the message those successful recovering addicts were carrying to this still suffering addict?
that was the message i wanted to hear, not the one they were offering, but as an addict, i have more than once been guilty of selective hearing, hearing only those parts that i wanted to hear. sort of like over in my stint in another twelve step fellowship that had twelve explicit promises. yes i heard them, but neglected the context. those promises come AFTER the first nine steps and actually says: “having worked…”
the promise of FREEDOM from active addiction, has no caveats save one, one MUST stay clean to receive it. there are no conditions, such needing to work nine steps, go to a meeting a day for ninety days, develop a relationship with a loving and caring HIGHER POWER or even read the recovery literature written by committees of addicts worldwide. what i discovered is FREEDOM from active addiction is one thing, gifts from working an active program of recovery is quite another. no one ever promised me that i would have a career i loved, a nice home, a late model car, loving relationships or friends, and yet i have got all of that. of all the gifts i have received, since the promise of FREEDOM came true for me, the most important is the path to becoming a whole, self-aware and genuine person. i know who i am today, and i know that chances are i will go to bed and be able to sleep, because i will not have shafted anyone across the course of my day. i can accept my paycheck because i exceeded the expectations of my employer. i can tell whatever stories i choose to, because there is only one version and i need no longer worry about the lies and misrepresentations i have spread throughout my social network, because today being genuine does not mean looking better than i am feeling.
the fellowship has never lied to me, i have however lied to myself more than once. the promise of FREEDOM from active addiction, came true a long, long time ago, i just always wanted more and ignored the real gift here: FREEDOM.
it is time however, to start heading my a$$ down to work. after all, being a part of society means that i want to earn a living, to keep on living in the lifestyle i have grown fond of living.

∞ DT ∞