$ one promise, many gifts $
Posted: Tue, Jan 20, 2015 07:43:08 AM
okay, so i took the mr fVcking obvious route here today. i never declared i was a spiritual giant, an enlightened being, or better than the average bear, so every now and again, pandering to the lowest common denominator is certainly par for the course, as the old cliché goes.
the promise of FREEDOM from active addiction means more to me today than anything else, and it seems the longer i stay clean, the more i come to appreciate that gift. one of the many side benefits i have received,as a result of the fulfillment of that SINGULAR promise, is the ability to laugh at myself, see my foibles and get to a place where i do not care what anyone says about me. in fact, even though i do my damnedest to maintain appearances, when i sit and do my daily inventory i am less concerned about what was said about me, and more concerned about whose ship i sank with my loose lips. i once enjoyed being on a pedestal, idolized by some of those who were in my life and more than ready to play the role of some sort of recovery giant, a man who controlled my own destiny and woe to any who happened to tarnish that image. today, well today, i know what i am, an addict in recovery. i know what my character defects and assets are, and i know how i act out on them. when i accept that package, exactly like it is, i do not need to fret and worry about what someone may be saying about me, or what they really think about me, because in the long run, unless they are paying my wages, it really does not matter. today, what i really care about is staying clean, and even that is not all that hard anymore, as i have become used to just doing the sh!t i need to do, to stay clean today.
i would like to say that i like and respect all of my peers. the truth is i respect many of them, and like most of them, and the rest? well the rest i accept for who they are. even those who have more clean time than i do, may not have anything that i want. many who have less clean time than me, have an abundance of what i desire today, so for me clean time is not a criteria for respect. what one does today, good bad and indifferent, i how i earn the respect of my peers. when i mess up, as i often do, i understand that others will talk about it, that just happens. i can be all butt hurt about it, or just move on. today for the most part, i am good about moving on. i know i am weak, fallible and lack integrity some of the time. i also know that i have and will put aside my desires, wants and perceived needs to go to the aid of someone who needs me. i know that to earn respect, i have to respect others. to earn trust, i have to be trustworthy. most importantly, to be a part of my fellowship, i NEED to show up in a consistent manner, and allow others to see me at my best and at my worst. no fluffy words to camouflage what is really going on. no pretending to walk the talk. just one more day clean, doing my best to walk the path and stumbling along the way. you know if i took two of something when the prescription said to take one, i would be scrambling all over trying to find the loophole to keep my clean time. pride will be my downfall, but i am glad today that i have friends and peers who will bring me down a notch or two, when i start walking a foot higher than everyone else. that is part of the gifts i get,m from the promise of FREEDOM, that i was given.
the promise of FREEDOM from active addiction means more to me today than anything else, and it seems the longer i stay clean, the more i come to appreciate that gift. one of the many side benefits i have received,as a result of the fulfillment of that SINGULAR promise, is the ability to laugh at myself, see my foibles and get to a place where i do not care what anyone says about me. in fact, even though i do my damnedest to maintain appearances, when i sit and do my daily inventory i am less concerned about what was said about me, and more concerned about whose ship i sank with my loose lips. i once enjoyed being on a pedestal, idolized by some of those who were in my life and more than ready to play the role of some sort of recovery giant, a man who controlled my own destiny and woe to any who happened to tarnish that image. today, well today, i know what i am, an addict in recovery. i know what my character defects and assets are, and i know how i act out on them. when i accept that package, exactly like it is, i do not need to fret and worry about what someone may be saying about me, or what they really think about me, because in the long run, unless they are paying my wages, it really does not matter. today, what i really care about is staying clean, and even that is not all that hard anymore, as i have become used to just doing the sh!t i need to do, to stay clean today.
i would like to say that i like and respect all of my peers. the truth is i respect many of them, and like most of them, and the rest? well the rest i accept for who they are. even those who have more clean time than i do, may not have anything that i want. many who have less clean time than me, have an abundance of what i desire today, so for me clean time is not a criteria for respect. what one does today, good bad and indifferent, i how i earn the respect of my peers. when i mess up, as i often do, i understand that others will talk about it, that just happens. i can be all butt hurt about it, or just move on. today for the most part, i am good about moving on. i know i am weak, fallible and lack integrity some of the time. i also know that i have and will put aside my desires, wants and perceived needs to go to the aid of someone who needs me. i know that to earn respect, i have to respect others. to earn trust, i have to be trustworthy. most importantly, to be a part of my fellowship, i NEED to show up in a consistent manner, and allow others to see me at my best and at my worst. no fluffy words to camouflage what is really going on. no pretending to walk the talk. just one more day clean, doing my best to walk the path and stumbling along the way. you know if i took two of something when the prescription said to take one, i would be scrambling all over trying to find the loophole to keep my clean time. pride will be my downfall, but i am glad today that i have friends and peers who will bring me down a notch or two, when i start walking a foot higher than everyone else. that is part of the gifts i get,m from the promise of FREEDOM, that i was given.
∞ DT ∞