โ relief comes over me when i realize that i never have to use again โ
Posted: Mon, Jan 20, 2014 07:46:15 AM
the best part of the promise, is that i am not going to be forced to become anything!
i have heard it said, that the fact that the fellowship that i call my home has a promise at all, explicitly stated, is a reaction to other fellowships that proudly shout about twelve promises after certain things have happened. that certainly may be the case, but as a former and recovered cross-fellowshipper, those so-called promises were frightening and incomprehensible to me, and i was relieved to get something for doing nothing, but showing up. basically the promise of freedom from active addiction, is more than enough for me and it happens without having to work nine steps, first. in fact, for some the only thing they have to do is show up and be willing. of course, i was not one of those, but that was not the fault of the fellowship, as i certainly was stubborn, close-minded and certain that NOTHING was ever going to work for me, and i would be destined to labor under the oppression of the obsession to use, the rest of my life.
one could certainly argue that, all of those other promises that are offered up in other fellowships, are summed up within this single promise, or not. for me, although this fellowship may have been derived from another, in and of itself, it has moved far beyond its parent. the language here speaks to me and even though i am a white middle-class male, that other fellowship was created for, way back when, i never did and probably never will fit in there. life under the burden of twelve promises is not something i wish to endure anymore. just like removing the notion, that addiction is an outside force or something that needs to be excised from my whole person, from my belief system, i get relief. i no longer labor under any illusions that i am anything more than just another addict. i need not qualify that, nor do i need to speak of addiction as a third person that possesses me from time to time, it is just me. a part of me, that is not very pretty, but a part of me nevertheless. i lie to myself and tell myself i am not worth recovery, so i might as well use. i want to get high, when active addiction kicks in. i am the person who tells himself that i cannot handle this or that without a little sumthin', sumthin'. most importantly i am the one person who gets the rewards of the promise of freedom from active addiction. whether or not i ever become socially apt, rich, fit or respected, really does not matter. do not get me wrong, i want all of that and much, much more, and i know that may be part of my future if i keep doing what i am doing, for that may be among the rewards from that single promise of FREEDOM from active addiction.
which reminds me, as i am now employable and want to give my employer a reason to pay me, i need to sign-off and head on over to Boulder for another day of work, thanks to the only promise i NEED in my today.
i have heard it said, that the fact that the fellowship that i call my home has a promise at all, explicitly stated, is a reaction to other fellowships that proudly shout about twelve promises after certain things have happened. that certainly may be the case, but as a former and recovered cross-fellowshipper, those so-called promises were frightening and incomprehensible to me, and i was relieved to get something for doing nothing, but showing up. basically the promise of freedom from active addiction, is more than enough for me and it happens without having to work nine steps, first. in fact, for some the only thing they have to do is show up and be willing. of course, i was not one of those, but that was not the fault of the fellowship, as i certainly was stubborn, close-minded and certain that NOTHING was ever going to work for me, and i would be destined to labor under the oppression of the obsession to use, the rest of my life.
one could certainly argue that, all of those other promises that are offered up in other fellowships, are summed up within this single promise, or not. for me, although this fellowship may have been derived from another, in and of itself, it has moved far beyond its parent. the language here speaks to me and even though i am a white middle-class male, that other fellowship was created for, way back when, i never did and probably never will fit in there. life under the burden of twelve promises is not something i wish to endure anymore. just like removing the notion, that addiction is an outside force or something that needs to be excised from my whole person, from my belief system, i get relief. i no longer labor under any illusions that i am anything more than just another addict. i need not qualify that, nor do i need to speak of addiction as a third person that possesses me from time to time, it is just me. a part of me, that is not very pretty, but a part of me nevertheless. i lie to myself and tell myself i am not worth recovery, so i might as well use. i want to get high, when active addiction kicks in. i am the person who tells himself that i cannot handle this or that without a little sumthin', sumthin'. most importantly i am the one person who gets the rewards of the promise of freedom from active addiction. whether or not i ever become socially apt, rich, fit or respected, really does not matter. do not get me wrong, i want all of that and much, much more, and i know that may be part of my future if i keep doing what i am doing, for that may be among the rewards from that single promise of FREEDOM from active addiction.
which reminds me, as i am now employable and want to give my employer a reason to pay me, i need to sign-off and head on over to Boulder for another day of work, thanks to the only promise i NEED in my today.
∞ DT ∞