Blog entry for:

freedom from active addiction. yes, i know you all know that twelve promises belongs to another fellowship. in reality, i did feel a bit ripped off when i made my home in the fellowship that has been the foundation of my recovery journey. when i finally got over my bad self, i realized that the quality of the promise here, was so much more than the quantity i gave up. for once i did not have to go through a checklist to see if i was getting everything i was promised. some days i was and other others not so much. to tell the truth, that sort of behavior was tiresome and boring and in reality i very seldom measured up. i can say for this addict, the promise of FREEDOM from active addiction, has been met, every day for thousands of say in a row. it is that fact, that keeps me coming back, especially after seeing how tobacco and my dependence on nicotine has been making my life unmanageable. i will not dive down that rabbit hole today, save to say, just for today, or better put, just for right now, a Black and Mild is not burning and i have no desire to get one started.
the reading speaks of &8220;gifts:” spiritual, emotional and material. i could go down the list and express my gratitude for all of those. do not get me wrong, i am grateful for EVERYTHING i have been given as well as all that i have worked for and achieved as a result of being freed from active addiction. i find it a bit odious to publicly proclaim a list of all that i am grateful for, so it is a behavior i tend to shy away from, regardless of how many of my peers find that sort of activity to be uplifting for them. i may hear hoof-beats, but chances are they are horses and not zebras, centaurs or unicorns. the same goes for my recovery, falling down in abject thrall of all the “gifts” i have been given, is not who i am. i understand the source of those gifts, i am grateful for both the gifts and the source, but i am not one of those who needs to shout Hallelujah from the top of every mountain just to prove to myself the depth of my gratitude.
oops, that went a bit south. coming back to what i am feeling today, is that because i am FREE from active addiction, i can see clearly what my part ion the world happens to be. true, there are still bouts of severe self-will as evidenced by the truckload of excuses, rationalizations and justification, to allow myself the pleasure of having a little cigar, Friday afternoon. the fact that i CHOSE to do something is part of the FREEDOM from active addiction. the fact that i need to wrap in a patina of self-respectability, indicates that perhaps it was not as much of a choice as i like to make it out to be. i am certain over the next few days, i will be coming back to this topic and have to make a decision of what is more important to me -- self-respect or getting away with something. i have the FREEDOM today to decide what i want to be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞