ฮผ it took me a long time to understand that i will always be an addict. ฮผ
Posted: Wed, Jan 28, 2009 08:28:54 AM
at any time, i am subject to delusion, denial, rationalization, justification or insanity. if i want to continue living and enjoying life, i must practice an active program of recovery each day. i knew somewhere there was a line about practicing an active program of recovery, which of course i have latched on and paraphrase as active recovery in opposition to active addiction. but anyhow, this reading does not apply to me, after all, i have not needed to go back out and test the waters of using again. i have never stopped going to meetings, reading our literature, working with a sponsor or have i stopped working the steps, so nothing to see here, move along!
it is exactly that thought, as inno9cent as it seems that will lead to the path of active addiction. i appreciate the subtle irony here. thinking that i have this program ‘dicked’ is the beginning of the end for this addict. i can play all kinds of semantic word games, hide behind a wall of false humility and live in denial of the actual direction of my recovery program, or i can continue what i have been doing. it is a fact and not bragging when i say i practice an active program of recovery every day. i read the morning meditation reading, i meditate, i pray at least twice daily, i call another addict and i take a daily inventory. all total the sum of the time that set of activities takes is less than an hour each and every day. i do all those things, not because i fear relapse, no i do them because i savor recovery. my reward, so to speak, is another day to choose whether or not i will use. and do not get me wrong, using is always an option! i would debate anyone who believed anything different, it is just an option i choose not to explore today.
what struck me from the reading, like a steel arrow to my forehead, was the thought that perhaps i know something about recovery and myself now, and i can safely resume my "normal" life. that is the trap for me, because yes i do know a thing or two abouut recovery and me, and one of those things is that the person i strive to deceive the most is me! i am such a sucker for what i tell myself, that just thinking about it, makes me sick, but that is how the croissant crumbles.
so as i prepare to hit the streets and pound out some of my frustrations, the thought i carry forward, is that i am now and will continue to be an addict, if i want to continue to have the choice not to use today, then i have to keep on doing what i have been doing PERIOD! life is too short to live in FEAR of relapse, so i do believe i will live in the HOPE odf active recovery instead.
it is exactly that thought, as inno9cent as it seems that will lead to the path of active addiction. i appreciate the subtle irony here. thinking that i have this program ‘dicked’ is the beginning of the end for this addict. i can play all kinds of semantic word games, hide behind a wall of false humility and live in denial of the actual direction of my recovery program, or i can continue what i have been doing. it is a fact and not bragging when i say i practice an active program of recovery every day. i read the morning meditation reading, i meditate, i pray at least twice daily, i call another addict and i take a daily inventory. all total the sum of the time that set of activities takes is less than an hour each and every day. i do all those things, not because i fear relapse, no i do them because i savor recovery. my reward, so to speak, is another day to choose whether or not i will use. and do not get me wrong, using is always an option! i would debate anyone who believed anything different, it is just an option i choose not to explore today.
what struck me from the reading, like a steel arrow to my forehead, was the thought that perhaps i know something about recovery and myself now, and i can safely resume my "normal" life. that is the trap for me, because yes i do know a thing or two abouut recovery and me, and one of those things is that the person i strive to deceive the most is me! i am such a sucker for what i tell myself, that just thinking about it, makes me sick, but that is how the croissant crumbles.
so as i prepare to hit the streets and pound out some of my frustrations, the thought i carry forward, is that i am now and will continue to be an addict, if i want to continue to have the choice not to use today, then i have to keep on doing what i have been doing PERIOD! life is too short to live in FEAR of relapse, so i do believe i will live in the HOPE odf active recovery instead.
∞ DT ∞