Blog entry for:

to be a recovering addict, just for today. nothing to see here, move along!
well in reality, plenty to see, plenty to say and plenty to be, and i am just barely getting rolling.
in these pages, i often chide my peers, who feel the need to put all sorts of qualifiers in front of the term **addict** when they identify at a meeting. the fact is, i see that as an affectation and a means to separate themselves from the rest of us. just my opinion, yet here i am saying i choose to be a recovering addict, what is the difference? excuses and rationalizations aside, i can say that i never CHOSE to be an addict, and was pissed off the first time i actually identified in a meeting. sure saying i was an addict to the various members of the justice system was a piece of cake, as at that time i believed it was a lie and lying was going to get me an easier and softer passage through those trials and tribulations. the first time i said it at a meeting, i was still in a state of denial, and i only identified that way, because everyone else did, yeah trying to fit in and be something i was not, is part of who i am. not until; i finally GOT clean seven or so months later, did i actually believe i might be some sort of addict, and as the primary focus of my recovery was in a substance specific fellowship i learned that being a hyphenated addict, was a way to soften the blow. the fact is, i was not then, nor was i ever an alcoholic, i chose what i thought was the more “socially acceptable” path, so i would not look quite so bad. then i spent eighteen months trying to disqualify myself. it only took 12 months to see i was not an alcoholic and six months of floundering around, before i came to grips of what i am -- an addict. as i stayed clean, i got to see how other addict recover and come to terms with who i really am. one of those addicts, who was here when i got here is celebrating a clean date anniversary today:

Brenda E
26 years of “Just For Todays,”
quite a feat. Keep comin' back, my friend.

the reading calls out for a specific modifier for the word addict, that i can use without hesitation. i did not choose to be an addict. nature or nurture, does not matter, the fact is i am. before coming to the fellowship, i did not know i was an addict, nor did i know i had a choice about what sort of addict i could be, and i am not talking about the substances or behaviors that are manifest in my as a result of addiction. no i am talking about the binary state of “active” or “clean.” i am either clean or i am in active addiction, that is a choice for me today, because of the fellowship and the clean part is assumed on most days,as i keep coming back and participating in my recovery. so i could say a clean addict, but that goes without saying. just because i am clean, does not mean i am recovering, however, as being clean is necessary for recovering but not sufficient. in my mind, in order for me to recover, i have to do more than just stay clean, day after day. i have to CHOOSE to live a program of recovery, and today that is a choice i get to make, each and every day. it is true i have been clean for a few days, and probably could slide a day or three and live on the grace of the number of days i have lived a program, but is that really a choice i want to make? i have seen many of my peers go down that path and quite honestly they become stark raving a$$holes, long before they pick up, and i withdraw from them because i no longer feel connected to them. i can chide them for their lack of daily maintenance, but in the long run, they are like me and most of the time do not take kindly to unsolicited advice or someone telling them what to do, so i leave it be. i choose to allow them to find what level they need, although i am quite certain that addiction like water always seeks the lowest ground.

i could go on, but i do think i have hammered my point home, just in case:
• i am an addict -- that is an unchanging fact of my life.
• i choose to be clean today -- that keeps me alive.
• i choose to practice and active program of recovery -- that is what makes me a recovering addict.

just for today, i am grateful that i have those choices to make, as it was not all that long ago when all i could so is choose the form that my get high would take, because that was THE fact of my life and today, i need not go there.

∞ DT ∞