Blog entry for:

regardless how many days in a row i stay clean.
okay, right off the bat, this was and continues to be one of the toughest concepts for me to swallow. even though i have seen what happens to other addicts in the program, when they think they are “cured.” somehow, in some way, i MUST BE DIFFERENT FROM THEM after all…
the real question should be, not if i can be cured, but why i so DESIRE to be cured, or at least pronounced cured, like i had cancer and it was undetectable for a similar amount of time. before i get into to all of this, in any depth i need to acknowledge a clean date anniversary

BRENDA E
20 years, ONE DAY AT A TIME
YOU ROCK GIRL!

okay back to the grind.
where was i? that's right equating remission from cancer and the declaration that i am cured from addiction. it is here that i feel the disease model fails me the most. IF i have a disease, THAN there MUST BE A CURE. IF there is a CURE, THAN one of the symptoms of that cure must be not using, nor having the desire to use for a specified amount of time. SO like cancer, if my desire to use has been gone for five or more years I MUST BE ADDICTION FREE, hence cured. and that is the trap.
YES, uncontrolled use of drugs was part of my life, BUT that was only the most obvious symptom. the behaviors that fed that symptom are just as much symptoms in and of themselves. my callous indifference to those in the world around me, my blatant disregard of right and wrong, when it came to finding the ways and means. my withdrawal into my isolated fantasy world of denial. and most importantly the elevation of self over all others, as evidenced my my self-important and self-centered attitudes and actions. IF i consider all of those as symptoms rather than consequences, i can easily shift from the i must be cured mode of thinking. it is after all, just a matter of perspective. as you can see, i am not to thrilled with the disease model. i prefer that i am just wired differently than the 85% of the rest of the world that can use normally. as a result, I NEED to behave differently, because i CANNOT see the world the way they do. the part of me i call my addict sees the world as a personally threatening place that MUST BE kept at bay and barring that, needs to have me withdraw into a cocoon of chemical bliss. honestly, there are moments in the day, when that does not sound like such a bad idea. after all…
so if i cannot be cured, is there NO HOPE for me? well no hope of a cure. the HOPE for me comes from the program,. yes i may be an addict. yes there is no way out . I DO NOT, however need to actively participate in my addiction. I HAVE BEEN GIVEN the means to live in a new manner, one that precludes living in active addiction. one that i can renew daily. most importantly, one that has worked for thousands of people just like,me , for decades, all over the world. i am grateful that today, i no longer need to be a slave to to finding bliss through chemistry. finding the shades of gray in this argument is tough for a black and white, binary, good and bad sort of person. i want to see that i am either an addict full-out or that i am a normal person, and being a recovering addict, just fails to fit into that paradigm. what is called for here, is not a cure but a shifting of my belief system. that is much more difficult as i have discovered. my beliefs are like the glaciers oat the South Pole, frozen so long in time, that i have to look for incremental changes, rather than expect wholesale changes overnight.
yes, i am marching lockstep with the party line here, as that is my source of HOPE. i have been given so much, and after the past few days, one of the things i can see is that I DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE in the lives of the people around me. the HOPE for me, is that IF i keep doing this gig THAN i can keep making that difference. that difference is for the most part a good thing today, and that is a change that is manifest solely because i choose recovery over addiction. i choose being healthy over being sick. i choose life over the living heel that i have known, and yes even if that means i cannot be cured, at least i can be as symptom free as possible today.
so the time has come to hit the streets and see how much i can tear up my still suffering lungs, taking care of my health is also a symtom of getting better.

∞ DT ∞