Blog entry for:

without any doubt, an addict every day, and as such i get to CHOOSE whether or not i am going to **treat** my addiction, every day as well. some of the time, that feels as if i am **cursed** doomed to trudge a path of a dreary existence, struggling under the weight of what that means. other times i feel **blessed,** as the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living provides the explanation for who and what i am. my reason for being jhas shifted as a result, as i no longer “long” to get high every single day and i “get” that i do not have to do this gig alone.

Brenda E,
WOW! Twenty-eight (28) years clean!
Thanks for showing me that i CAN recover, every day.

this morning as i sat, i came back to what i told a peer last night after they informed me that they had used. it actually was a repeat of what i told a friend on Saturday morning, before i heard that news namely that i no longer invest more in another addict's recovery, than they themselves are willing to invest. that point was driven home by another peer and friend as they struggled to stay clean and ended up on the legal treadmill, driving themselves deeper and deeper into misery. so instead of rushing out of my house to swoop down and whisk them off to DETOX, i suggested, very strongly that they make every effort to traverse those two miles from where they were and get there under their own steam. i have no idea if they accomplished that task, as they have yet to contacted me to let me know, my suspicion is that they did not, and my hope is that they did and are unable to send the text due to facility restrictions. peeking at another resource, i do not expect to hear from that addict for a minute or two and it is time for me to consider what action, if any, i will choose to take. where they landed last night as now been answered, what the future of our relationship may be, is yet to be determined.
there are times in my life, such as right now, where i wish it was possible to “break off a chunk of my recovery” and feed it to one of my peers, as if i was giving them a probiotic. a quick and easy way of planting a seed and a tiny bit of HOPE. i know that is just a pipe dream and i gave that addict the best i had, at that time.
the fact is, i do not regret not going on a rescue mission last night, but i am saddened by the outcome for my peer. today, i take their consequences to heart and realize that i, too could end up in the same situation. what that means, right here and right now for me, is that i NEED to do whatever it takes to stay clean today and live a program of active recover.

∞ DT ∞