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delusion, denial, rationalization, justification, insanity - all the hallmarks of the thought process of a garden variety addict. i have seen it before, people with some time, want to partake of all the gifts that recovery has to offer, drift out the doors and come crawling back, worse off than we they started way back when. when i finally thought, for the first time, that i had some time, it was demonstrated to me quite blatantly by someone i respected, someone with twenty years clean, and after struggling for the past five or six years they are now approaching 200 days clean. the rewards of using, never quite panned out the way they had planned, but that really is beside the point, what is the point, is that for me, i get where complacency will take me. i get what happens when i start to put other stuff, noble or not, before my program. i get where i can go, and for me, i lack the HOPE that i can ever return, once i make the decision to use.
i get jealous of those who bounce in and out, they have the best of both worlds. they seem to come back just before everything is destroyed and use just long enough to get the gift of desperation. i cannot believe that i will be that lucky, in fact based on the experience of another addict with whom i traded seats in the rooms -- they went out, i came in -- way back when, 13 years may not oven be enough for me.
it was FEAR that kept me here for the longest time, and reading what i wrote, one may think i am still afraid, and perhaps that is true. before i keep going however…

Brenda E
Congrats on 22 years clean
You rock, my friend.

yes, FEAR may be lack of HOPE, it certainly is a symptom of a lack of FAITH. it is not that i doubt that the POWER that fuels my recovery, is strong enough to bring me back, it is that i believe that the addict within will do everything i can, to prevent that from happening, once the ball gets rolling. surrender was hard enough the first time. it was so hard, that i practice it every day, so it becomes habitual and instinctual. surrendering to my addiction is much more than admitting i am powerless, to me, it means that in this battle, nothing has changed, i am still an addict, i can still use at any time,, because i talk myself into it and most importantly i am clean ONLY because i do my best to work an active program of recovery, no matter how that looks today. the time has come, to hit the road and get rolling off to work. it is a good day to member that just because the desire to use has left me, just because i am not as insane as i once was, just because my internal landscape is no longer the blasted wasteland of emptiness, i am still an addict and NEED to do whatever i can to protect my recover, just for today.

∞ DT ∞