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after all, IF addiction is a disease, and my apparent symptoms have been gone for years, does that not mean that i am addiction-free? well, looking at the preponderance of the evidence, i would have to say absolutely no!
okay, i use the term irony quite often, so i will avoid it in this instance, HOWEVER, last night at the meeting i did share something along these very lines. it is like i know what is coming up in the JFT, and i share in advance of the next topic. have i really been thinking that i am cured, well if it has come up more than twice in my life in less than twenty-four hours, there definitely is some smoke and where there is smoke…
considering my feelings and behaviors over the past few days, there is ample warning that my hiatus from step work NEEDS to be concluded, and i NEED to start the next step cycle that i have been so assiduously avoiding. it is not that i want to use, nor is it that i want to reach out and hurt somebody, BUT i have been less than upbeat and much more sarcastic and cynical than i am used to being. part of it is the enforced rest cycle in my work out routine, part of it is the end of the month bills coming due, BUT as i write this i know MOST of this comes from avoiding doing the work on STEP ONE that i have on my mind. you know, the whole out of sight, out of mind paradigm. IF i do not look at step work, then i can do my best to deny i NEED to do my step work. as that denial structure starts to reassert itself, all kinds of insane ideas creep into my conscious self, and things that i know are wrong and feel are wrong for me, start to sound like brilliant ideas.
sick, sick, sick! people like me, addicts to the core, never get cured. we get better, we learn how better to deal with life on life’s terms, BUT i can never be totally free of being an addict. IF that was the case, i would not even consider that there may be something off and seek a course of action to correct it! following that train of thought to its logical conclusion, it means that i need to get off my butt, get into the shower and get busy so i can make some time to practice a bit of active recovery, at least while the idea is in my head! so off into the real world i go.

∞ DT ∞