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rationalization, justification, and insanity -- OH MY! certainly quite a litany of the symptoms of active addiction and far from complete. i see those pop-up in the lives of my peers and when i do, i have to examine my own program of recovery, as i am just as apt to slip into a **groove** where i think i **got** this recovery gig, down pat. the fact of the matter, at least as far as i am concerned, is that i do not, BUT i like to think that i do.
it is true that after the first few years in recovery, there is very little that i have not heard about living life clean. it is also true that a trip or two through the steps has “tamped-down” the big issues that loomed so large in my life, when i got clean. i could start blithely adding all sorts of qualifiers to the type of addict i am now, and what comes to m y mind the quickest and easiest are: grateful and recovering. i cannot speak to the motives of my peers, who “identify” with qualifiers, for me anyhow, when i add anything to identifying myself as an addict, i am not the sting out of the social stigma of being an addict. i feel “better” when i do so, and maybe, just maybe i am. when i get top the point where my self-esteem needs to be boosted by affirmations and qualifiers, i look to my peers for inspiration.

Brenda E.,
Twenty-Nine (29) years clean today.
Congrats and thanks for showing me
what an “every day” addict can accomplish.

this “every day” addict has had this topic pop off the top of my stack a bunch of times recently. not that i am not an addict, but what am i doing about practicing a program of active recovery, today. what comes out of that particular train of thought, is how do i see myself and why do i have such overwhelming reactions to what i witness my peers doing, or not doing, as the case may be. i want to tell myself they are doing the best the can, with what they have, but that refrain rings hollow in my ears. i want to cast all kinds of judgements and motives, so i can justify my way, into doing what is unhealthy for my recovery. after all, if it seems to be working for them, why would it not work for me? which brings me back to the top.
today and just for today, i can see that for this addict, grateful and recovering as he is, i need to have the “sting” of owning that i am an addict, to keep me on the “straight and narrow.” when i accept that as my reality, doing the next right thing to foster my growth, is simply that, the next right thing. i can play all sorts of word games with myself, in fact, i am very well practiced at doing so. IF i choose to do so, i begin the process of losing what i have and looking for that “something different” to salve the emptiness i will start to feel. today, for me anyhow, an active program of daily recovery, is the easier, softer way.

∞ DT ∞