Blog entry for:

for the years i have lost to active addiction. i do this, however, at the peril of my recovery. and the object lessons of this dire consequence is more than apparent to this addict. recent events, are more than enough evidence that i need to do whatever it takes to stay clean today. the easier, softer way, for me anyhow, is to keep on doing what i have been doing. it is true, that my meeting attendance is way down, in fact i rarely make more than two meetings a week. it is a good thing that making meetings i not the only manner in which i can nourish my recovery and the other ways in which i do so, are just as time-consuming as meeting attendance. that inventory, while quite interesting and without a doubt would fill out this little mind dump with no problem. instead i think i will take a look at my feelings and attitudes around the basic premise of the reading, that somehow, some part of me may believe that after some time clean i am cured. there is evidence of that particular event in my life. after all, i am no longer the person i was when i walked into the rooms. so looking at the evidence of my active addiction versus the lack of that evidence these days, one might conclude that i have been cured. and if i was that one, i would be sadly mistaken. although the overt evidence of active addiction is gone from my life, the subtle attitudes and feelings that are characteristics of my active addiction still remain. they are channeled into a myriad of different forms and are subtly active, bubbling below the my conscious surface, waiting for me to just let go and surrender to that part of me i call the addict. i am still self-centered and obsessed with getting the things i want, i still have problems surrendering my entire will and my life into the care of the POWER that provides the means to stay clean on a daily basis, and yes i am still selfish. these traits may be because i am human, or as i choose to look at them, evidence of active addiction in my life. i know they will never be gone, i will never be some sort of recovery saint, but what i am is an addict in recovery, who needs to do whatever it takes to nourish that recovery today, and every day, that is if i want to continue to get what i have been given -- THE CHOICE to be FREE FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION today. and i choose freedom right her and right now. so off to the showers and into phase two of my work day.

∞ DT ∞