Blog entry for:

all the hallmarks of the way a typical addict thinks.
i am going through such a delusional phase right now and have been for a few months now. the truth is that i have cut way back on meetings and i tell myself that it is more time for me to work, and that could be true. when in actuality i more times than not end-up in front of the television flipping through the myriad of cable channels i now have access to, and actually doing very little extra work. now for the second part the BIG FAT and JUICY rationalization, it is more time doing something for me. that could actually be the case if i really enjoyed watching television, i do not dig tv that much, and truthfully when i sit myself down in front of it, i am finished being productive at work. so do i do a bit of step work, perhaps call up another addict just to chat, pursue a new hobby or interest, or even assist my girl friend with the cleaning chores, of course not, i just veg!
back to the reading and how everything i just wrote applies to the situation. i am starting to delude myself into believing that i have enough time to walk away from the program that has given me this new life. after all, it has been over nine years since i used anything and i am criss-crossing the various tenth anniversaries of each of the substances that comprised my pharmacopoeia. the desire to use has not been a part of my life for quite some time, and i have accomplished a few things, learned how to do a few things, and have become almost socially acceptable. in fact, some friends joking around suggested that i should run for mayor. so the part of me i call my disease is starting to run with that reality, blur my vision of what my past was like, and how i really felt when i was struggling to get clean, (and yes the tenth anniversary of that process has already passed) and how empty i can become if i choose to follow the path out the doors and into active addiction. i probably could get by on one meeting every other week, i could probably get by on never working another step and i could probably get by on leaving my service positions, BUT could i settle for so much less? it is those things that keep the recovery process going for this addict, and i know there is a whole lot more left to do for me to become the man i could be. am i really willing to halt the process, cash in my ":winnings" and gamble with an uncertain path after leaving recovery? today, right here and right now, the answer is NO! i may not step-up my meeting attendance, but i certainly will do my best to continue to go to the two meetings that i go to now. i may not fly through the steps in front of me, but i will make progress on them, and i may not take on any other service commitments, but i will fulfill my current ones to the best of my ability. so yes i choose to be an addict in recovery today!

∞ DT ∞