Blog entry for:

motivated desire to carry the message will not always be there, but i take the action anyway. today has not been about much service at all. i did txt my friend and peer who is recovering from a serious accident and will continue to do so, to support him in the long run. i did txt one sponsee to let him know due to life on its own terms i could not meet him at this afternoon, as i do not know when our new refrigerator will be delivered. i did txt another sponsee, one who i txt every day, but today i added a not so subtle reminder that he needs to get moving on his step work. i guess i did carry the message after all, so i guess i did service, as well.
i never consider that as “service,” per se. to me, it is just doing what i need to stay clean today. i am simply giving away some of the love and concern that has been given to me, over the accumulation of my days clean. when i came to recovery, it was what i was taught to do, even before i was very capable of doing it. in fact, i thought i had to go down the food chain and serve at the lower levels of service, to be “of service.” most of that was because i misunderstood what was required of me, as a member and a peer in the fellowship. after years of being in the background, due to my severe social anxiety, i could finally take the spot light in service and as a result missed the whole point about serving anonymously. today, i see things a bit differently and am grateful i can be a part of, rather than in the center of the fellowship that has brought me this far.
this afternoon, after a very active day, waiting for our new refrigerator to come, is probably a great way to spend the afternoon, even though i want to be smoking a cigar and hanging at the shop. that may still come to pass, but i am not counting on that happening. what that means, is that i get to get a bit better at playing my new game and figure out what went wrong when i was playing yesterday. it also means that i get to take care of myself and do absolutely nothing, for the rest of the day. it is certainly a good day to do that. oh yeah, what did i do today? shoveled the snow, walked the dog, ran for fifty-five minutes, emptied the fridge and did my laundry. i guess i may deserve the afternoon off, just for today.

∞ DT ∞