Blog entry for:

i can become a part of the greater whole. in fact, i was a participant in one of these gatherings last night. a celebration of thirty tears clean, no not me,. i only have today and my days in a row just total up to four thousand, two hundred and three days. for me, it is the days that matter and not whatever the final math comes out to be in months and years.
anyhow i digress, back to the subject at hand, feeling a part of a fellowship and being a part of a fellowship by participating in celebration of longevity is a good thing for me. even as the days go by, i sometimes slip back into that old uncomfortable feeling of desiring to get away from everyone and everything, only these days, when that happens i do not decide to use drugs, as i did in the previous incarnation of my current life. i recognize this behavior for what it is and not for what i used to think it i9s in the day, i believed that isolating myself from friendships and the company of human beings protected me from being found out. found out to be a freak case, head job, unworthy of any attention or affecting, incapable of giving or receiving love, out for my own self-interest, and with total disregard for those with whom i shared the world. parts of that were true, and most of it was an over-exaggeration that i concocted to give me a reason to use, just in case i ever needed one, which i rarely did. another reason that is. so when i start to slip back into that behavior, slipping into a coma of spiritual isolation, i know that old mantra has returned and i need to use the tools i have been given to combat this siren’s call. like Odysseus, i hear and want to answer, but the program has lashed me to the mast of recovery, with the ropes of active step work. it is the very inclusion of myself that defeats my desire to isolate and provides me the ways and means to recover one more day.
it is the fellowship that protects me from myself, and my self-destructive tendencies are what keep me away from the place that provides what i need to sustain my life. so my plan of this fine a sunny Sunday? a quick injury rehab run, finish what i started yesterday, do what i promised for today and find a bit of time to be with my fellow members outside of a meeting. it is after all, a good day to recover.

∞ DT ∞