Blog entry for:

back to reality: work, meetings, hanging with my peers, and trying to get responses out of the unresponsive. i really hate when i reach out to someone and all i hear is crickets. i get it, not everyone is **thrilled** to hear from me, but when they reach out with a problem and i respond, the least they can do is say “no problem dude, i got it handled.”
okay rant off.
feeling a part of something, this topic has been on my mind a whole lot lately. feels like future just for todays, or it just happens to be where i am when a topic comes up, i can find it is dealing with something that i am as well. sort of like the general nature of horoscopes that are published daily, which no matter what sun sign i happen be, they are written so generally that i can apply them all in my life, or stretch whatever is going on in my life to fit in. a very familiar set of behaviors goes exactly to that notion, stretching, bending and reshaping myself to fit in, and in my early days of recovery, i certainly exercise that entire set of behaviors to the max.
when i got to recovery, oops before i get too far down the pike:

Larry Q!
TWO (2) Years Clean!
Way to go my friend.
Keep on Coming.

back to the task at hand. becoming what i was not, to fit in. ah yes, one might call it old behavior, but i choose to call it familiar behavior. anyhow, even though i was far from ready to be a “part of,” this fellowship, i still wanted to fit in. treatment had and was teaching me the language and i quickly figured out if i identified as a hyphenated anything, i could participate in two fellowships, so i would have twice the chances of fitting in, not belonging, mind you,m just fitting in. for eighteen, long and grueling months, that was what was and for the most part i was ready to settle for that, because i was not actually going to be here,m in the long haul. i would be happily tripping, figuratively and literally, back in my old way of living and loving every second of it. plans do not always work out as i expect them to, as here i sit, many days after my deadline for leaving recovery, still clean and trying to actively do this gig, on a daily basis.
when i started this particular set of steps, i knew where i belonged, even though i never felt quite a part of that group. i stayed clean, and kept myself purposefully just a bit distanced from the fellowship and it members. for me, it was the safest route, and because i CHOSE to live there, i was fairly certain that my pain from the non-responsive and the revolving door parade of newcomers, would be kept to a minimum. i had once again settled for part of what i could get, in order to minimize the risk to me, and even built up an interesting belief structure to shelter me from my reality: i did not want to get hurt, so i kept a large buffer space, while appearing to be in thick of things. today, that is not acceptable to me and i will no longer settle for “good enough.” it may mean i get butt-hurt from all the crickets. it may mean i feel the pain of someone who wants this, but refuses to let go. it may mean that i even get lied to or burned, but i am willing to risk all of that, for the peace of mind of knowing i am who i am, and i can “fit in,” just the way i am, today.
does that mean i will do this perfectly? well there are no rainbows or daises coming out of my physical orifices, nor have i ascended on to all high, but i will certainly do my best, just to be, and allow everything else to be as it is supposed to be as well. i do after all fit in somewhere, and just for today, i am grateful to belong.

∞ DT ∞