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and forge deep, strong friendships as well. it seems this morning, that the fellowship may just be responsible for teaching me all the social skills i have today, as i was socially inept and isolated when i came to recovery. most of the time, when i make a statement like that, i am exercising a bit of hyperbole, to make a point. this morning however, that is a bit of minimizing. socially inept and isolated, barely scratches the surface of describing my lack of social skills, by the time i finally decided i had, had enough and surrendered to this program of recovery. what i believed in the day, was that as long as i had my chemical crutch, i never needed to learn how to interact with people or let anyone in. after all, if i had ammunition against someone, because i learned something about them in a moment of vulnerability, i used it against as necessary. if i was like that, i felt that it was not an invalid assumption, that everyone else was like that as well. even when i was in a state of chemical bliss, i was careful to keep what i was really all about, to myself and show what i needed to show, to fit in at that very moment. with all of that history, it really is no surprise that it took three set of steps to finally start to address my relationships with the fellowship, and society in general. a quarter of a century stripped away everything i may have once known and added its own toll, all for the sake of that next high. as i see a sponsee struggling to get clean, i see a whole lot of him in me. he may appear to be well-versed in social skills, but he suffers from as much social anxiety as i do. he may act like he is sure of himself, but like me, he shows what he thinks the rest of the world wants to see and as a result ends up cutting himself off from the source of friendship that can help keep him from the recurrent consequence of drug use for him.
i understand that because it is true that the only reason i stayed clean back in the day, was that i did not want to go to prison. ending up old and alone, was never a great fear for me, as i figured alone, meant safe and feeling safe was what i was all about. in those first 18 months of compliance, something changed. what it was, i do not know. what it is today is that i want to be a member of the “no matter what club.” i want to grow up and be an adult, living the life of a drug-addled Peter Pan, really did suck. even the Peter Pan part sucks, i can only be a juvenile for so long and there comes a time when i NEED to stand on my own two feet, learn to make a living and accept responsibility for myself. in my opinion, all of those who resist the march of maturity are in as much denial as i was when i came here. life goes on and sooner rather than later, it becomes time to put away my toys and take up a tool or two. the nice part of seeing those who live in that particular fantasy world is i GET to see how i too, can be a victim of my resistance to change and growth. as today is another day i have decided to stay clean, it is also a good day to take responsibility for myself and my life and turn the care of my will and my life over to the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. those two actions are NOT mutually exclusive. so off to the showers and over to work, after all someone has to pay for the premium cigars i so enjoy!

∞ DT ∞