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rejection, from those i encounter in my life, is only a short step away.
the mantra of the part of me i call addiction. this story has be told and retold so many times to me, that learning to see it for what is is, is one of the most critical tasks in my life and my recovery. hiding who i am from everyone has become so engrained in me, that my significant other caught me in a lie, about something that is quite inconsequential in the long run. when i was asked why, i was at a loss for words, as at that time, i really could not think why it would have been such a big deal to keep that from her. what it comes back to, is this very notion, that if i allow anyone to see everything i am, there is no way they will be able to love me. FEAR and a bit of juvenile behavior, were at the core of my lie, and neither is an easy pill to swallow. i think i should be braver and certainly moire mature than that, after all i have some…
so two great sessions of sitting later, i find myself not really wanting to keep anything from anyone, at least just for right now. i see how it is my neurotic insecurity that is keeping me from being who i really want to be, and pounding me to dust, when it takes over. i am certainly grateful that there is a route out for me, and that be the steps and the fellowship that is the basis of my recovery program. here i can practice those behaviors that i want to be able to practice in all my affairs and get some feedback about if they do or do not work. here i can see what being myself really is and bring that notion back to my home and hearth. here, well here i can see what my peers are doing and how things are working for them. here is where i see the mirror of who i am today and where i am going in my journey to become the man i have always wanted to be. most importantly it is here that i can defuse my FEAR, allow my insecurities to fade and be who i am, with no additional bells and whistles, just to look better.
there was another thread that ran through my head in those past two quiet times, and that is the one of unmet expectations. it kind of applies in several ways. when i front for something i am not, and get found out, the proverbial having my covers pulled, all of a sudden there are bunches of unmet expectations about me. i can be a sponsor, but i may not be a friend. i can be a closed-mouth friend, but i may not be a sponsor. those two roles and relationships are not inextricably tied together. in my head, when i bind those together, i am setting myself and the other party in those relationships up for a world of disappointment. honestly, somewhere down the line, i got the notion planted in me, that in order to look better in the eyes of my peers, i had to be the everyman, the spiritual guru, the recovery maven, the one who could be more than anyone else. time after time, i have failed to live up to the expectations that i set for myself, and time after time, if became proof that i might as well, keep doing what it was i was doing, because at least that made me feel better, and i was getting away with it. the time to be living in two worlds is fast upon me. i can be an addict, and i can be an addict in recovery, and from time to time, i may be a beacon of HOPE to my peers. what i cannot be, is anything more than i am today. if that chases my friends, acquaintances and peers away, well i may have a less full life, but i will will have a healthier sense of myself, just for today.

∞ DT ∞