Blog entry for:

fearing that if others got to know me, rejection would be only a short step away. with my newly found friends in the fellowship, i no longer have to live a life of isolation. that is of course, unless i choose to isolate for one reason or another. so yesterday, i let some fellow addicts in on my plans for the service future, and much to my pleasant surprise, very little was said. that may be a temporary reprieve or it may be a permanent sign of respect for my decision. i do not know, and you know, as much weight as i have put on their opinions of me, collectively and individually in the past, what they happen to think about where i am going, is irrelevant this morning, except in the context of reporting it. i am beginning to see a new path before me, at least in respect to service. it may appear that i am withdrawing into isolation, and perhaps i am, BUT as one door is being closed by me, at least one more door ids being opened. i am excited about moving forward with getting some stuff going in my local fellowship. one of the members asked me if i was going to continue to be a part of their subcommittee, and although i felt put on the spot, my answer was silence, as my answer and the reasons for that answer need not be aired in front of others.
so, one may ask, what all of this babbling about where i am headed to in my service path has to do with breaking thew isolation and alienation that is part and parcel of active addiction. well there at least a couple of entry points into that discussion. for me, that isolation was fear based and the premise of being found out, allowed me to justify being separate from those around me. remember for me, it was and to this day still is, all about how good i LOOK and not how well i actually feel. so for this addict to step out and not have to act to seek the approval of others is a HUGE step forward in my recovery and my spiritual and emotional growth. what i have to say to that member, could have been said in front of others and quite honestly there is a part of me that would have loved to say it, bluntly, without warning and without any regret, at least in that moment. it would have brought some sort of reaction from all of those in attendance, and i would have got some attention and been the center of attention for a few brief moments. the cost? well, i would have been adding a corrective action to my Tenth Step work last night, and man do i hate to admit i am ever wrong. so a i grow out of my need for approval and grow into being comfortable in my own skin, i can move forward with confidence that i am walking the path i need to be walking. the time will come when i have to explain myself, when that is upon me, i pray i can do so with respect and concern for the feelings of all involved, remembering that i too, am part of that and that my feelings are as important as the feelings of others. the isolation i created as part of being active in my addiction, can come back and be reflected in my behavior today, OR i can be a part of the greater world around me and live a full and productive life. much as i would love to tell someone off, i do believe that i will hit the streets and work off some of this building energy instead. rest assured, that although it may appear that i am withdrawing, the truth is that i am refocusing and becoming more connected than ever before. so it is, so it will be, at least just for today.

∞ DT ∞