Blog entry for:

get to know me, only pain and misery will follow, MINE! the ancient story of my life, expressed in less than twenty-five words and the foundation of my wall of denial and isolation. after all, it is all about me and my so terribly fragile snowflake feelings. life in my skin has never been easy and coming to a place where i was supposed to let it all hang out did not make it any easier. 😕. thinking about the interactions i have had over the past few days, and what i have heard in the meetings i have gone to, i am amazed that i make any progress at all, on my journey to becoming whole, genuine and self-aware. i often want to shout out,that when speaks of how much “service” one does, it negates the value of that service, but that is a lesson i had to learn for myself, painfully and at great personal cost.

Larry Q
FOUR (4) years clean!
Congrats my friend, keep comin' back.

moving on, i now realize that reading my HOA board e-mails before i sit, is a great big NO-NO! this morning i felt like such a noob, as i could not get what i thought i read out of my mind and barely scraped together ten minutes. back in the day of my regional service, the same thing would happen. i would read my e-mails from the rest of the committee and waste my 11TH effort on their words. in those days, my meditation was generally way less than ten minutes, so not a whole lot of loss there. just as my old story about protecting myself by keeping others from getting to know me, still echoes in my ears, so does needing to use every available moment to craft my perfect and scathing rebuttal to what i thought i had read. well, once i gave up sitting and actually read what was written, i was really pissed off, because they were agreeing with me. i had wasted my opportunity to enter this day with a bit more balance and serenity in my life. just as bragging about good deeds makes them only deeds, saying i am humble suggests that i am not, allowing myself to get carried down the path of self-righteous indignation, is far from what i want to demonstrate to my peers and those with whom i share my life.
life is, however, far too short for me to beat my chest and proclaim how unfit i am for human company. today, i am certainly grateful that not one of the members who were here when i got here, said “go away and come back when you can be civil.” i may still keep some distance from the parade of FNGs and i own that straight up. i serve my peers in other ways and that includes the newest of the new. today, i am losing the desire to be lauded and praised for how i serve and that is the result of coming to see that if i get rejected, more than likely it is not about who i am, but rather about what i just did., as actions speak far louder than all the frilly and trite phrases that i can string together. it is a good day to allow someone new into my life, that does not mean i am going to go out chasing them!

∞ DT ∞