Blog entry for:

a sense of purpose are not topics i consider on any sort of regular basis. i just do the next right thing, because it is the next right thing to do, even if it takes me several days of listening to uncover it. case in point, my decision to continue to rebuild the relationship with my former sponsee who, through his own lack of goodwill and sense of his purpose, has founds himself once again, a ward of the state of Colorado. the next decision i am struggling with today, is whether or not i will travel to Broomfield two evenings in a row. i am not all that psyched to be honoring an over-commitment made by someone else and here is where the nature of goodwill and the next right thing to do, come into play. i did not create this monster and i wonder if by feeding it, i am enabling it to continue to grow and consume the few of us who can support it. i have another day to consider whether or not to commit, as my original response was very non-committal.
moving into the right now, i am not a huge fan of finding a sense of purpose in my life. when i was using, i know my sole purpose was to use just enough to quiet the internal unease that can[me from living a lie, while being able to be out and about in the world. i know in early recovery, my purpose in life was to get out from under the onus of the justice system and after being freed from that weight to just not use. as time passed, i became less and less concerned about finding my purpose in life and more concerned about living that life. living that life, comfortable in my own skin, causing as little destruction in my wake as possible, is what i feel my purpose is these days. i choose my actions more carefully than before, deferring to that inner sense of what is correct, rather than what i desire. day by day, as i grow out of what i once believed i was, i get to see myself as i could have been and am becoming. if living my life in that manner is exercising goodwill or fulfilling my sense of purpose, it is far from deliberate and hardly needs to be singled out for special recognition, it just is.
there is always a price to pay for any decisions i make, even those that are rooted in goodwill. over the next twenty-four hours i have to decide if i am willing to pay the price to feed the beast, but carry a message to those in need. i also know that part of my purpose these days to be as physically fit as possible. all the exercise i am putting in these days may not make any difference at all to my health in ten or fifteen years, BUT, in the here and now, i feel better, i look better and my body image is more closely aligned with what my body actually looks like. as i prepare to step out into this morning and pound the pavement, literally, i get a sense of purpose in that i am doing what i can to live a life that i have been given, even though i threw forty years of it, down the shitter. that is sens of purpose enough, just for today.

∞ DT ∞