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was not something that i expected to find when my using days were over. to be honest, i expected more of the same life i was living, only much more boring as there would be no escape from reality until i managed to get the legal system out of my life. i believed that all the friendly familiarity was just an act that those members were putting on to look good for the newcomers and in reality they hated and disrespected one another, once they walked out the doors, into the so-called real world. that speaks a whole lot more to what i was when i walked into the rooms than about what i thought i saw.

Larry Q.,
FIVE (5) years clean!
WOW, i am glad you keep coming back, NO MATTER WHAT.

back at this again, after verifying that my application did work as it is supposed to work. i want to rail about the incompetence of some of my peers at work, but to what end. i would feel no better, they would not get any pain for me expressing mine and these days, i am starting to get a clue or two about who is responsible for my misery. NEWS FLASH -- IT IS NOT OTHER PEOPLE -- 99.9999% of the time. as i move into the place that i CAN be miserable, or not, by my choice, i get to the place that i can also be a part of not only the fellowship i call home, but the whole human race.
for whatever reason, my browser went nuts and i lost my train of thought, having to restart my computer, just a quick whine here before i pause a second and decide where to go next.
ah now i have something in mind. it is true, that when i walked into the rooms, i may have been familiar with lots of acquaintances, but i was not very friendly, in fact my circle of friends had been reduced to using buddies. i have no trouble admitting that fact today, even when my social interactions over the past few days have been greatly reduced, by choice and by necessity. i have been stuck in my office and have chosen not to go out to any meetings. once again, there is no one else to blame, as i made that decision and i might have been able to work in the office today. what i am getting is a sense of needing to get out and about today, make some contact with a friend or two and actually get outside of my room for some time today. yes that might also mean a walk around the neighborhood as well, in fact, i think that is the next item on my agenda, bundle up and hit the concrete trail for a minute or three.
yes i can be a raging a$$hole, but i can also be a part of something more. the reading reminds me that i learned my social skills in recovery and that it is in the rooms, i need to hang out. what i knew about being social, before getting clean, is not anything i can be proud of today. what i am learning, however, is certainly a different story and one that i get to help write on a daily basis, as long as i choose the path of recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞