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i came to believe as the TRUTH set me apart from society, when i was in active addiction and from the fellowship of my peers, once i got clean. in fact for most of the first twenty four years of my recovery, i wholeheartedly believed i needed to hide in plain site and emulate the behaviors of those around me, so i could look just like them. even though that kept me clean, i really was not able to enjoy the fruits of my recovery, because it was all an act, i was an amalgamation of my peers. all that i did was to improve my status in their eyes and not do anything to improve how i saw myself.
in the past year, as i have been coming to terms with who i really am and exploring the possibility that i really do not know, i have discovered i knew myself a bit better than i allowed myself to believe and that all those years of acting “as if” gave me the ability to actually live a program of recovery. although i still stumble back into my old ways, using passion to cover up fear, uncertainty and doubt, i am better off than i have been in years. i have finally found enough FAITH in who i am, to let others see that man, without filters and façades. when i am in that space, than i can be connected to my fellowship, my family, my friends, my peers and the world around me, even when any or all of them are strictly to my liking. i can be a part of all of that, because i choose to be present in the here and now for myself.
it is ironic that the man i had to turn down as a sponsee due to my lack of resources, -- read time -- suggested that i ask God for more time. it has been my experience that asking for something like that does not produce the result i desire, so i will certainly politely decline to do so. the fact of the matter is that he is very high maintenance and the time he requires is certainly not anything i have loads of these days. i have enough on my plate without volunteering for even more.
as i prepare to pack up and hit the cigar store, i do need to own that my workout this morning was a 5K run and it was not too terrible. i am pleased by my pace, albeit a bit on the slow side. i know that i have ways to go, to get my pace to where i want it to be for the Bolder Boulder at the end of May and now i have a baseline to go from. it will be interesting to see how i can get my workout in, starting next week. the little bit of time i do have,m will be sucked into the black hole of a three day a week commute and i am not looking forward to that life. what that means is that as my daily routine is revealed, i will need to fit in the activities i find i “need” to do, to maintain my physical, spiritual, emotional and mental fitness. i will no longer play second fiddle to my career, as i now know i am worth more than that, just for today.

∞ DT ∞