Blog entry for:

to share things that i did not get to discuss during the meeting, or better put, topics i DID NOT WANT to share. although the difference there is subtle, most of the meeting i attend, have those awkward periods of silence, so most of the time i can share at every meeting i go to. the point being, that having the chance and the desire are separate entities, and in my mind need to be treated as such.
to the topic at hand, i am really quite an isolator, but one of those who appears never to be in isolation. i know my panic disorder, honed to fine tool by active addiction, is part of my tendency to isolate, and even after some time in recovery, i still go to the “I WANT TO BE ALONE” place quite often. one might suspect that i am not getting any better, but in reality there are two symptoms of my return to a healthy state in this matter. the first being, that i own this and no longer keep it hidden in the shadows. last but far from least, my desire to withdraw, has been diminishing of late, and most of the time it is barely a twinge, instead of the roar it has always seemed to be. sure, i could do more social stuff with the fellowship after the meeting. sure i could hang with those in the program who have become my friends more. certainly i could do all of that and a whole lot more, and i could give a million reasons why i do not. the honest truth, is social situations, at times, make me anxious (re:panic disorder) and when i get anxious, my stress level goes up, and when i get stressed out, the filters i have developed over the course of my recovery disappear and i end up saying sh!t that would be better left inside my head. (quick edit there to remove the should word, as i am striving to avoid that) when that stuff comes out, i end up having to deal with it on my 10th STEP and since i am mostly wrong, i end up owning my bad, adding to the social stress the next time i am in that group, and the cycle continues.
knowing and understanding this is one thing. acting as if it does not exist is not a sane course of action for me, been there done that! part of becoming genuine and whole is to live who i am, and allow the recovery process to alter that man, as it will, one day, one step, one interpersonal interaction at a time. these little exercises in writing, have helped me, as i get to say what i want to say, and i cannot see, nor do i care how anyone reacts to what i have written. there is never an amends or admission of wrong after writing one of these, as these are for me, and it helps me explore topics that my social anxiety and need to look better than i am. prevent me from doing in meetings and one on one with other addicts. this does not replace my sponsor, but it does replace running crap through my addict brain, until it forms a sick obsession, that leads to all sorts of prices i would rather not pay.
anyhow, i think i have come to a place where i have nothing germane to add to this topic, with that though in mind it is time for a quick trot around the neighborhood and some more work on the projects that are currently covering my desk. it is a great day to be in recovery and to be clean.

∞ DT ∞