Blog entry for:

i want to be genuine examples of who i am. this is certainly a fitting reading for me this morning, as once again i smarting under the yoke of one of those helpful members of the fellowship who actually have no fVcking clue what is going on and feel the need to interject their personality and so called experience into realms where they were not asked to be of service. of courses i told them off -- not as powerfully or as painfully as i would have liked to, and i have blocked them from sending e-mail to my personal accounts. of course, i also had to go back and say that i set a boundary with a bit more force than i needed to and contemplating letting them know how patronized, insulted and demeaned i felt at their clumsy attempt to be cute.
so how does all this venting pertain to the topic at hand? well first and foremost. as i have been growing through the steps, who i am is being revealed, and part of process is that i am learning what i can and cannot tolerate. i am getting tired of all the unsolicited help that members with more time so freely offer, especially when they are totally clueless about who i am, and what is really going on. i grow weary of others stepping in trying to take control, when they have neither the ability nor the true desire to anything about the outcome. this frustration is now coming out in explosive bursts of bile, and of course i end-up having to admit that i am wrong. not about the content, i am spot on about that, nor about what i feel, feelings are feelings and even though they may not appear appropriate, they are always right. no where i have to go back and admit fault is HOW i say things. and as i progress through the end of my TENTH Step, it is my HOPE that i will learn to set these boundaries with a little less force, but without any doubt by those who are present where they exist.
yes i have discovered that i wish to be treated as an equal. yes i have discovered that many in the fellowship act as if they have superior knowledge, experience or authority. as i am discovering, i have very little tolerance for these poseurs, and being true to who i am, i am letting them have it with both barrels. the worst part of this is, they do not get it, they are incapable or unwilling to look at their part and act all wounded and hurt when called on their sh!t. of course that make me consider where i went wrong -- and in the end i discover it is because, i had never set a boundary, or i swallowed a feeling, or i pretended that i valued their unsolicited advice or whatever. what it comes down to is this, it was me, who set-up the confrontation by not acting like i feel. by being dishonest about who i am, i allow these freak shows to have power over me that they neither deserve nor are entitled to having. they are who they are, and it is i, who am changing and as a result have to alter my expectations and adjust my behaviors.
i know that this may get worse before it gets better. i foresee that i will be making many admissions of doing something wrong -- but just like a doctor, i will get better the more i practice and feigning acceptance is not something i am willing to do anymore. so the HOPE is that i can continue to match my outsides to my insides and limit the collateral damage i inflict in the course of doing so. truthfully, i know they will not get it, so it is up to me to take care of myself and move on. i can and will get better at setting boundaries and reporting my feelings. as long as i wake-up another day with the desire to live a life of active recovery, and today i have that desire, so it is off to hit the streets and see how much impact i can make on the world today.

∞ DT ∞