Blog entry for:

genuine example of who i am, warts and all. the tricky part here, at least for me, is fighting my desire to appear to be oh so much better than i really am. although my tactics and strategy to appear to be more than i am, has changed over the days i have been clean, that same need i had when i was 10 lying about being to Niagara Falls, is still very much in play under the surface. there is still an very recalcitrant part of me, who feels i am not good enough, smart enough and certainly at least these days, spiritual enough, to just be me. it just goes to show that the steps are by no means a magic pill.
time to move along? not hardly, i have just started rolling! i often wonder what it is going to take to see my true value. it will never once again be sublimating my life to the service of the fellowship, in a very visible manner. those days have passed, and IF i choose to serve on committee level service again, it will be a much quieter and less visible effort than before. now that i have removed my armor of service and allowed my peers into my life, i loathe ever going back to that previous state.
my little forays into the evils of pop psychology and organized religion are not meant to disrespect or denigrate any of my peers. if any or all of that works for them, great. for me, IN MY OPINION, i see them as superfluous and redundant, but i am a true believer and a defender of the FAITH, so of course i would any “outside” influences through the lens of a crusader home from the last holy war. my transformation from crusader to inquisitor could be complete, if i continued to trek down this path, why i could make Tomás de Torquemada look like a freaking pantywaist.
in my step hiatus here, i have found that building a house is not a comfortable place, at least here and now, and hopefully over the course of the next week, i will move along, these are NOT the feelings i seek! what time between steps has done for me, is to allow me to see where i was and get some clues about where i am going. by using the can opener of the steps, to remove the armor coating that i had wrapped myself in, all of a sudden i am much more involved in the lives of those around me.
allowing myself to become more involved, i now see the lie i told myself about being too broken to love anyone else, was just that a lie to keep myself from growing. in fact, as is often the case, the pendulum for this particular measure of self, seems to have swung all the way across into pure Yin as it were, lacking the balance i truly seek. the people i have in my life today, show me where i am going, as well as provide me examples of how not to get there. even though i may have allowed myself to say yes one or more times too many, i am laboring under my FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery only gives me what i can actually handle, and that if i allow that POWER to work in my life, what i took on and now see as a bit of self-will and attempting to step back into a suit of armor, will be resolved and balance itself out, once again.
i am no spiritual giant. i have no inside track on how to be a better me and i give away what i have, with no strings attached. i am quick to judge and point out the inherent flaws in the belief structures that are demonstrated all around me and quick to defend the system of beliefs, to the death if necessary, the system that now encompasses my life. as i listen over this weekend, i think i will find what it is that i do seek, a path to starting another step cycle. i know that on that path, i will once again encounter my DESIRE to look better than i actually am, and as i journey through that next landscape i have the FAITH, that like each cycle before it, a little bit more of that desire will be removed and i will become more genuine, whole and self-assured.

∞ DT ∞