Blog entry for:

as i attain this new understanding of myself, i want to be a genuine example of who i am. an interesting morning so far. after a sort of restless night of sleep, and a rude awakening by the screaming wind as the front passed, i had a great session of quiet time, and got a bunch of stuff done for work and for around the house. it feels almost like lunch time, except i am not hungry. anyways, enough of this prattle that is just a distraction from writing about what is going on inside of me this morning. part of the vision i see for myself is to become genuine, and as those who have seen me in person can testify to, part of that change has been giving up the bleached blond hair. i started that particular affectation back in the days after Sept 11, and whether or not it was an emotional reaction to the events of that day, or simply a blending in with the students at college, is a moot point. i kept it up, telling myself that i really did not want to see how gray my hair was becoming. well now i know, and the next question is do i like it? the gray that is. the jury is still out on that, i figure one more haircut will let me know for sure, so in the meantime, i will just let it ride. it is true, however, that i do not want to grow old or better put to look old. growing and looking are two different things entirely. i have very little power over getting older, and as the years progress, that means growing older. i have bunches of power over how old i look, after all with the advances in modern cosmetic procedures, i can look as young as i wish, provided i feel that is a good use of my limited resources. the real rub is, even if i decide dive head first into the anti-aging procedure pool, does that really meet my goals of becoming the vision of the person i want to be? as my personal spiritual growth continues, more and more i find that my daily inventories focus on how well i worked towards fulfilling that vision, in both the positive and negative aspects of my daily behavior. positive meaning that the behavior enhanced the journey towards the man i wish to be and negative meaning how i hindered that journey. this reading brings this concept home to roost and begs the question i asked about trying to stop the appearance of the march of time across my body. this morning, i am happy looking the way i look, gray hair and all, after all, that is something i earned one day at a time, and to deny it, is to deny a part of myself that reflects that i have lived this life as well as i could, at least up until today. yes there is a part of me, that appeals to looking like a twenty year old again, to dent that is as disingenuous as anything else. vanity is part of who i am, reality is who i am becoming, and the battle between those two disparate parts of me will be ongoing. acceptance of that is where i am today, and i do accept that and it is time to move on. so i am off to deal with the so-called real world and see what i can get done.

∞ DT ∞