Blog entry for:

about myself, my place in the world and the life i have been given, is certainly an excellent topic to ponder and write about. the problem is i often get caught up in what every one else is doping and fail to see what i need to see about myself. case in point, my obsession with my peer who has developed the perfect story to keep themselves safe from any sort of personality change or humility. the fact is, other than keeping my distance, there really is nothing else i can do and all the word and time i waste on fretting about them, does nothing to move the needle from their denial. my focus on what they cannot become, is keeping me distracted from what i can become. it is the tool i use to switch my recovery focus off the important part of this universe, ME!
i have been reading some very science-based books lately for something different. astrophysics, the theories of general and special relativity and quantum mechanics have always fascinated me. one notion that i have stumbled across before and has been driven home by my deep dive into these subjects is that no matter where in the universe, one happens to see oneself in the very center of the universe. this perspective is certainly a fact that helps drive the selfish, self-obsessed and self-centered parts of who i am, after all, i am the very center of the universe from my perspective. instead of examining who i am, since that already seems fairly obvious, i have the time to look at my peers, and uncover where they may be lacking. of course, the story i tell myself is that i do so out of love and concern as i am far too “recovered” to do so out of spite, pity, envy or jealousy. i am too evolved to be so petty. look at the preponderance of the evidence, and from my high horse it is quite evident that is certainly the case. bringing the focus back on to myself, i see that although i am at the center of the universe, i share that center with all of those who are in my life and i need to make room for their humanness by returning to my own.
it is what it is and this afternoon after taking care of nearly everything i need to take care of, i can see that no matter how many steps i put in, in a day, i will never get those twenty-five years back. i am going to grow older and all i can do, is to decide how to make my aging a little less daunting and painful for me. as much as i feel like a thirty-something, i can be certain i am not one. what that means is my insides and my outsides will probably never match as far as my age is concerned. throwing that into the bit bucket, it comes down to matching my outer appearances to my inner emotional and spiritual state. i can be a physically fit sixty-something, while developing a spiritual and emotional fitness that matches my days of recovery. my peers will be who they will be and if they choose to live in denial, who am i to disabuse them of that choice, after all, they allowed me the freedom to get blow up the stories i told myself to bolster the little worth and esteem i had, when i arrived in the rooms and for may days thereafter. time to move long and get what i need to get done today, completed.

∞ DT ∞