α making a decision to be just who i am α
Posted: Fri, Mar 31, 2006 08:21:06 AM
so do my insides match my outsides? or is it the other way around? or does it really matter and i am just trying to buy a few minutes of time while i come up with something clever to muse about this morning. what i have come up with is not very witty, so i guess i will just have to examine the evidence and see what conclusion i come to.
physically i have bleached blonde hair, although i am fast approaching fifty, i still can not accept the fact that i will be turning grey! so what do i do? well i could slink off to a salon somewhere far from home and have the stylist touch-up my hair so it matches my natural color and pretend that i just am staying youthful by magic. or i could use an over the counter product and hope no one notices. or i can just be obvious about it. since i have always wanted to be a blonde, i get to live out a fantasy, cover the signs of the aging process and be happy about it. so in this case i guess my outsides do match my insides.
when it comes to showing my inner turmoil and chaos, i am a bit more circumspect, even after a few days clean. i still hear that old tape about presenting my poker face to the world if i am troubled and acting as if there is nothing in the world i have concern about. my girl friend and my friends in the program see through this little act right away and DAMMIT, they call me on it. and even though i hate being called on my shit, i still revert to that default mode when i face the world around me. so in this respect i would have to say outsides matching insides is no.
how about how i behave in groups? well i am still a bit uncomfortable in large groups of people that i do not know, especially when i am out in the "normal" world. when in recoveryland, i feel a part of the whole and move every comfortably from one social encounter to the next regardless of my prior contact with the people i encounter. so in this case i would say my outsides match my insides depending on the situation i am currently facing.
so after reviewing a bit of evidence, it appears to me that i still have a ways to go. and you know that is okay today. this is a program of progress and i have made some progress to this point. when i reach perfection i will be sure to let all of you know :-D .
physically i have bleached blonde hair, although i am fast approaching fifty, i still can not accept the fact that i will be turning grey! so what do i do? well i could slink off to a salon somewhere far from home and have the stylist touch-up my hair so it matches my natural color and pretend that i just am staying youthful by magic. or i could use an over the counter product and hope no one notices. or i can just be obvious about it. since i have always wanted to be a blonde, i get to live out a fantasy, cover the signs of the aging process and be happy about it. so in this case i guess my outsides do match my insides.
when it comes to showing my inner turmoil and chaos, i am a bit more circumspect, even after a few days clean. i still hear that old tape about presenting my poker face to the world if i am troubled and acting as if there is nothing in the world i have concern about. my girl friend and my friends in the program see through this little act right away and DAMMIT, they call me on it. and even though i hate being called on my shit, i still revert to that default mode when i face the world around me. so in this respect i would have to say outsides matching insides is no.
how about how i behave in groups? well i am still a bit uncomfortable in large groups of people that i do not know, especially when i am out in the "normal" world. when in recoveryland, i feel a part of the whole and move every comfortably from one social encounter to the next regardless of my prior contact with the people i encounter. so in this case i would say my outsides match my insides depending on the situation i am currently facing.
so after reviewing a bit of evidence, it appears to me that i still have a ways to go. and you know that is okay today. this is a program of progress and i have made some progress to this point. when i reach perfection i will be sure to let all of you know :-D .
∞ DT ∞