≈ as i check that my outsides match my insides ,
Posted: Sat, Mar 31, 2012 08:50:45 AM
i act on the growth i have experienced in recovery. this really is a topic near and dear to me heart, after all it is not HOW i feel that is important, it is how i look and DAHLING i want to look MAHVELOUS, to paraphrase an ancient Saturday Night Live character.
for me, it was always about appearing to be something i was not, the further away from the who i really was, i appeared, the more secure i was in myself. active addiction was living a lie, and when the truth somehow slipped out, as it always did, i went into major damage control mode and did my best to distract, dismiss and dissuade anyone from believing their own eyes. that sort of life worked for a while, unlike the feelings i got from getting high, this particular piece of my active addiction, was no longer working in the end.
no matter badly i wanted to be myself, i could not let go of what i thought others thought of me, and judging myself through their eyes, still lingers today. when i am less than spiritually fit, when i am uncertain about stuff and when FEAR permeates throughout my being, i retreat into the set of behaviors that protected me from the world around me, in active addiction. one of those, is not allowing anyone to see the so-called real me, no matter how hard they try to.
today, well right here and right now, i am secure enough in who i am, to let you all see the so-called real me, and not care what you think about the man before you. in fact, that is the case most of the time these days, thanks to a program of recovery that has become my life.
brief as this may be, i have run out of time to ponder any deeper or longer. i can be a cheerleader some days, and today i can state that if a person like me, an a addict with over a quarter century of using experience, can find a way to let go of what i think others think about me, even for one second on any given day, than anyone can. there was only one path that worked for me to get to where i am today, and no matter how rough and bumpy it may have been, it is mine and mine alone. where that path leaves me today is at a place where i have the desire to better myself physically as well as spiritually, so off to the streets i go.
for me, it was always about appearing to be something i was not, the further away from the who i really was, i appeared, the more secure i was in myself. active addiction was living a lie, and when the truth somehow slipped out, as it always did, i went into major damage control mode and did my best to distract, dismiss and dissuade anyone from believing their own eyes. that sort of life worked for a while, unlike the feelings i got from getting high, this particular piece of my active addiction, was no longer working in the end.
no matter badly i wanted to be myself, i could not let go of what i thought others thought of me, and judging myself through their eyes, still lingers today. when i am less than spiritually fit, when i am uncertain about stuff and when FEAR permeates throughout my being, i retreat into the set of behaviors that protected me from the world around me, in active addiction. one of those, is not allowing anyone to see the so-called real me, no matter how hard they try to.
today, well right here and right now, i am secure enough in who i am, to let you all see the so-called real me, and not care what you think about the man before you. in fact, that is the case most of the time these days, thanks to a program of recovery that has become my life.
brief as this may be, i have run out of time to ponder any deeper or longer. i can be a cheerleader some days, and today i can state that if a person like me, an a addict with over a quarter century of using experience, can find a way to let go of what i think others think about me, even for one second on any given day, than anyone can. there was only one path that worked for me to get to where i am today, and no matter how rough and bumpy it may have been, it is mine and mine alone. where that path leaves me today is at a place where i have the desire to better myself physically as well as spiritually, so off to the streets i go.
∞ DT ∞