Blog entry for:

spiritual balance, even though i am not quite sure what that may be. it is true that in the recovery community, the terms spiritual and balance are thrown around haphazardly and used to justify all sorts of outrageous behavior by those looking for a rationalization or justification for behaving in a manner that is neither balanced nor spiritual. of course, i might be talking about many of my peers, BUT, it is my experience that i am well-versed in in engaging in exactly that sort of smoke and mirrors dance myself. there is something that is almost magical when i can shift the focus off of what i did and on to why i did it.
as i sat this morning, a few instances of that behavior floated to the top and i saw that when i am truly working towards balance in my life, within the framework of the spiritual principles i have been given, i do not need to delve into the “why” of anything. i may not be a chatterbox when i go see my Mom four days a week and i certainly do not spend very much time with here, but as this week is evidence of, i can be polite and nice even when i do not really feel like being either nice or polite. i may not be certain of how to balance the bits and pieces of my disparate life, but i certainly know when they are out of balance. my animus towards my Mom, is certainly evidence of being out of balance, spiritually or otherwise.
accepting her resignation to succumb to the informs imposed upon her by aging, may tick me off time and again, but when i put it to any sort of spiritual test, i can see that there is really nothing i can do about it. the fact that now that she is alone and lonely does not mean i have to bring her into my life, especially after the decades she basically ignored what i was doing and where i was going. i have built a life in recovery which includes her in only a vert=y tangential manner, as that was the message i got from her in my early recovery. when i most needed her approval, because i could not stand on my own two feet, i got zilch. now that i no longer need or desire any sort of approval from her, the world has shifted and i have regained all the personal power i gave over to her, across the course of five decades. figuring out how to balance this new power dynamic is challenging for me and i am sure quite daunting for her, as she is more than likely clueless as to what may be going on.
she may continue to play her helpless victim, damsel in distress game for the rest of her life, that is not my stuff. i will not however, buy into being the one that rescue her from her self-imposed isolation and exile. i am not the doting loving son who would do anything, i merely am fulfilling a promise i made and doing the bare minimum to keep myself honest. for me, that is maintaining a spiritual balance, just for today.

∞ DT ∞