º i am bound to discover ª
Posted: Tue, Mar 31, 2015 08:03:56 AM
some basic truths about myself.
as is it down and finish up what i need to get done before showering off and coming back to this desk to work today, i wonder, as i sometimes do, am i truly showing who i am, as i walk through my day? after years, yes even decades, of being who i needed to be, i wonder if i can ever present who i am? the questions could go on and on, and i am sure, that while they may be quite the interesting exercise for me, in the end,it would be just that, and exercise. the core of this idea, is that am i showing how i am, or am i fronting something else, for whatever reasons?
i say i am not a “GOD” kind of guy, a spiritual guru or a recovery maven, and yet, i want all my peers to see me that way.as the dissonance between what i am, and what i want you to think i am, builds up, i get crazier and crazier, and start to lie, manipulate and generally slide back into the sort of behaviors that characterize active addiction for me. just as my second set of steps removed any notion that i needed to get on to my knees to pray, so this set seems to removing my need to be artificial; to do or say anything to be a part of the “in” crowd; and to judge what i need to be next, in order to be seen as seamlessly without flaws.
each year, when this reading comes along, i read way past the examples and look at how i present myself to the world around me, and wonder if i have come any further down the path of just being Don? after working with a sponsee over the weekend, these questions are even more pertinent this morning, as i raked him over the coals for hiding from who he was, so here i sit wondering am i really displaying who i am?
the levels of intrigue within me are too deep to dwell on right now, i am running late and i need to get rolling into my work mode. it is a good day to be clean, and as this day progresses i will see what i need to do, to show the world the real me. which sounds like a rock and roll tune by one of my favorite groups.
as is it down and finish up what i need to get done before showering off and coming back to this desk to work today, i wonder, as i sometimes do, am i truly showing who i am, as i walk through my day? after years, yes even decades, of being who i needed to be, i wonder if i can ever present who i am? the questions could go on and on, and i am sure, that while they may be quite the interesting exercise for me, in the end,it would be just that, and exercise. the core of this idea, is that am i showing how i am, or am i fronting something else, for whatever reasons?
i say i am not a “GOD” kind of guy, a spiritual guru or a recovery maven, and yet, i want all my peers to see me that way.as the dissonance between what i am, and what i want you to think i am, builds up, i get crazier and crazier, and start to lie, manipulate and generally slide back into the sort of behaviors that characterize active addiction for me. just as my second set of steps removed any notion that i needed to get on to my knees to pray, so this set seems to removing my need to be artificial; to do or say anything to be a part of the “in” crowd; and to judge what i need to be next, in order to be seen as seamlessly without flaws.
each year, when this reading comes along, i read way past the examples and look at how i present myself to the world around me, and wonder if i have come any further down the path of just being Don? after working with a sponsee over the weekend, these questions are even more pertinent this morning, as i raked him over the coals for hiding from who he was, so here i sit wondering am i really displaying who i am?
the levels of intrigue within me are too deep to dwell on right now, i am running late and i need to get rolling into my work mode. it is a good day to be clean, and as this day progresses i will see what i need to do, to show the world the real me. which sounds like a rock and roll tune by one of my favorite groups.
∞ DT ∞