Blog entry for:

being myself has never been easy for me. when i was using i was a chameleon, changing my outsides in order to ‘fit in.’ treatment and the time during which i struggled to get clean gave me a whole new persona, i could use the words of recovery, quite eloquently but lacked any desire to actually do anything to ensure that i could get recovery, i has all the trappings of a person succeeding in early recovery and none of the actual growth or personality changes that recovery brings about.
as i have progressed, i have been through many phases of trying to look like i wanted you to think i felt. i did service only to keep myself from doing the work, i could use the words of empathy to mask what was sympathy and condescension, and i could spout the literature word for word without any true understanding of what was really written.
today, i am better at being the real me, i am no longer afraid of what you might think if i say or do something that is off the wall or unexpected. i have good days and bad, and let someone know everyday how i am doing. i still fall into several traps arising from my character defects, but i am faster at recognizing them. i still desire that everyone likes me and wants to talk and hang-out with me, but i see that behavior for what it is and do my best to show my true self as much as i can. i have yet to reach the true humility that matching my outsides to my insides implies -- but i am getting better at it -- ONE DAY AT A TIME!
∞ DT ∞