Blog entry for:

a genuine example of who i am. these days, i am not a very **happy camper,** the situation in my home boiled over and our guest finally carried out her threat, just because she was asked to make some changes to improve her **life skills.** my reaction was and continues to be to support my significant other in her journey to coming to terms with being used by someone who lives in a fantasy land of excuses, justifications and a seriously closed mind. i understand the behavior of getting what i need and being an emotional leech, as i have been there, living in my own fantasy world. just because i have been there and done that, i have very little sympathy for someone who CHOOSES to stay where they are, just because they believe that doing the next right thing is too f*cking hard. if the times were different, i would be pushing for an eviction and would not think twice as they walked out the door. as it is, i have to bite my tongue, swallow my anger and accept what is, instead of taking the action that i desire. i have an outlet or three and instead of allowing my feelings to overwhelm me, i acknowledge that they are there and find ways to ameliorate through exercise and not engaging.
where once i was blithely ignorant of being a prima donna, today i have found a new manner in which to live. i also know what it feels like to discover that i do not know everything and that people in my life, kept me around just because they were related to me or pitied me. as much as i think i would like top revert to those “easier” days and stay stuck, i am also well aware that even in the short run, that would lead to results that i would find untenable. my “solution” is to look at what i did at the end of every day and allow myself the freedom to honestly see what i did wrong and more importantly what i did correctly. the nice part is most days, when i do that look back, i find i am doing better than i feel.
in these times of lock-down and pandemic, i find myself playing the “rock” to the anxiety that fills my home. i am afraid and concerned about what the “new” will be. i express that fear by rebelling and leaving my home more than i probably should be doing. i act confident that all of this will pass and in the long run, we will have a life we find acceptable, even though i have more than a little angst about the way things are going. i end up having to be grateful that i am essential personnel of an essential bidness and that if i keep doing my job, things will be okay. it is coming to accept “okay” that i struggle with, as i want my life to be great again and nothing is making my life great these days. so as i twist and turn, i seek solace in my friends in recovery, my significant other and lots of meetings. just for today, i can allow myself to be who i am, acknowledging that i am not doing as well as i appear to be and finding a path to navigate those dark places i have a tendency to go.

∞ DT ∞