Blog entry for:

exposing them, and searching my character reveals my true nature.
at this point in my recovery, it would be wonderful to say, that i have uncovered all that needs to be uncovered, that all my secrets have been exposed and i am well on my way to becoming the sort of person, i never dreamed i could be. so on this Easter Sunday, i have a bunch of work to do, and the ironic part, is none of it is yard work. that however, is just a diversion from what i heard this morning. yesterday, at my home group, i shared about the bout with insanity i had earlier this week. i did not want to share about it, and almost used the excuse well, more than one addict already knows this nasty little bit from my recent history. of course, the person i am becoming felt uncomfortable, especially when up against the façade of who i want to appear to be. this dang living the program gig, messes with me, in this respect all the time. what i want to look like and what i am, when at odds, creates what my friend Rebecca calls cognitive dissonance, and i no longer have the ability to act or medicate that unease away, as much as the part of me i call addiction screams for me to do so. this really is one of the few times that part of me screams for relief. living “as-if” i am some sort of recovery guru or that i somehow have GOT this gig down, is what i want to do. after all, clean time speaks for itself, n'est-ce pas!?
what does that mean in the short run? well today, i have to continue the task i started yesterday and was paid quite well for. i also have to get the end of the month ran and help bump up a website in the search engines. i also want to celebrate Easter with my family, go to a meeting and have some down time before starting my regularly scheduled full-time job. most of all, i want to look like i accomplish all of that effortlessly and with aplomb. whether or not, i can do that, is a matter of time to see what happens. some of this can be done concurrently, some will require my full attention and some will fall by the wayside as the day grows later and my time grows shorter. today i can plan the plan and leave the outcome to the POWER that fuels my recovery. it is, however time to hop in the shower and see what i can get done before noon. life is good today and today i can allow my true self to show on the outside, without FEAR, because i have just the tiniest bit of FAITH, that is right where i am supposed to be.

∞ DT ∞