Blog entry for:

to the world and see if it matches up with what i have discovered inside. the answer is of course, i have looked and what i project often does not match up with what is happening inside of me, i mean that is part of my gig, letting you see what i want you to see and nothing more.
it is always interesting, each year, when this reading spins it itself to the top of the stack, after all, this goes to the very core of my character defects and zeros in on a behavior that is paramount in my consciousness, almost all the time. this is the one defect or whatever, that i have greatest desire to let go of, and yet it is the most tenaciously persistent of the entire bunch.
for me, the ability to be what i needed to be, to fit in at all costs, and to keep what was happening inside, is a survival skill. in in active addiction it was THE survival skill, that kept me sane and social, as i grew more twisted, uncaring and isolated. unfortunately for all of its benefits, it retarded my social growth and what i saw as caution, is perceived as being aloof or downright hostilely unfriendly. this piece of information does very little to relieve me of the burden of my past, and as i move into the “here and now” portion of the steps, i can only HOPE that the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, is to allow me to grow the tools to become genuine. this morning, as i sit here and ponder the nature of who i am, and who i present to the world, including my peers in recovery, i get stuck on the idea of what was, and tend to ignore the what is. yes, the drama queen within, wants to scream of my victim-hood, nay martyrdom on the altar of looking good. well as it is often said, there are no victims here…
so what is really going on? well i am concerned for my friend and sponsee that is spinning around a garbage disposal. his behavior has now determined his fate and at the minimum, it will be some time before he will see the light of day again, as he enters the mental health justice system gulag of the post-modern theories on treating mental health. his roommate is balking at us retrieving his belongings, with what i am sure is a good cause.
i am concerned for one sponsee, who has almost been freed from the the justice system and whose phone is now disconnected. it may take a trip up north one night in the next six days to see if he is still around. i can only HOPE that he is doing well and the smack down of daily living is keeping him from reaching out.
yes, all of that is well and good, but once again, i am deflecting myself from the question at hand, namely how am i doing?? today, i am actually doing not too shabby. i am grateful for my job and career. i am willing to do what i need to do, to take care of my responsibilities and yes <GASP> even allow you guys to see a little of what is going on inside. what i heard this morning, was let go, and stop caring so much about how i look. live today in a moment of FAITH, that no one sees me as FVcked-up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional, and if they do, perhaps they have more clarity into what is going on, than i want to admit to myself.
anyhow time to shower off and hit the streets, there are certainly bills to pay, and they will not get paid if i do not suit up and show up for work.

∞ DT ∞