Blog entry for:

after all, the idea that the world was to blame for all my problems was the attitude that kept me using -- and that attitude nearly killed me. well that may be a bit of a stretch, not a big one, but a touch of hyperbole nevertheless. not the remaking part, that was always my desire when i was an active addict, and that attitude carried over into early recovery, and still pops up every now and again these days. as i told my sponsee in Limon, i far from perfect, YET ;)
so now that i started down that path, what would i change in the world, IF given the opportunity, oops this is not about the world in general, i NEED to focus more on the immediate here now, namely my life and current situation. so as i consider my life what would i change -- well perhaps, it would be nice to have a bit more financial wherewithal. and i mean a WHOLE LOT MORE. perhaps it would be nice to be more physically attractive, and smarter and more clever but in actuality none of that would make me any happier. i get by very well, on the rewards from that flow from the people who pay me to pound on the this keyboard day in and day out. i am getting more physically attractive,m as i get more physically fit. the smarter and more clever gig? well, at least i am not getting any dumber, and the one thing that recovery has given me, is that i may not be any smarter than when i got here, but i am certainly a whole lot more wise these days, and wisdom is a far better gift than raw intelligence.
so where is the solution? well i have been actually noodling around that with the last hundred words or so. the way i look at life is a matter of perspective. one might argue, that i have put a positive spin upon it, and like a politician, perhaps i have. i, on the other hand, choose to look at it as acceptance of what i have, and being grateful for the opportunity to sit here and write about it. yes, there are things and facts about my life that do not suit me to a tee. most of those things are really not what i need, but what the part of me i call my addiction makes me think i NEED, distorting the fact that i already have all i need, and everything beyond that is desire. there is of course no problem with me desiring more than i have, or working on achieving those desires -- like buying a LOTTO ticket. no the problem comes in when i start to manipulate and force outcomes that are to my liking instead of doing the footwork and leaving the results in the quite capable hand of the FORCE that KEEPS ME CLEAN. yes the change in language is once again a reflection of an internal shift. i finished writing my ELEVENTH STEP last night and this morning, i FEEL something new is going on. more on that as it is revealed to me. so off to tour the neighborhood and see if i can work off a few of those empty calories i consumed yesterday. after all, i accept that i am in control of how much i weigh and how that weight is distributed across my frame. it is quite a good day to be in recovery.

∞ DT ∞