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to have myself changed, as change is also something i have very little control of the days. what can i change? in reality not a whole lot. i can change the color of my hair, the amount of tan i have, whether or not i am working, mostly superficial things. no for real change to occur, as in personality change and in my acceptance of my life, i need to initiate a process that cause change to happen, at its own pace, charting its own course. one i start the process, i need to foster it along, by doing the next right thing.
for me, this means working the steps to get the change process rolling, and living the steps to support that process. i could always follow the example of some of my peers and say one thing and be spiritual for that one hour per day and then walk out the door and return to being a sh!t, that is always looking out for numero uno. the very epitome of what keeps one of my friends away, the focus of their thesis that recovery does not work. can i change their attitude? not by a long shot, the only thing i can change is what i allow myself to be changed by. i work steps and the steps transform me, it really is that simple. to imply that i can change myself, well in my not so humble opinion, is part of the disappointment many feel with recovery programs. i know i walked into the room, well-primed for instant gratification, after 25 years of getting what i wanted as soon as i decided i needed it. yes, if it had not been for the sword of justice hanging over my head, i too, would have grown disillusioned and walked, nay ran, back to a life where a little dab of this would do me. no over the course of those first thirteen months, enough changed in my life, so that when the opportunity to begin my recovery actually arrived, i was nearly ready to take it. the change in those early days was quite dramatic, because i had gone from one cold fish, to an emotional basket case, to somewhat stable emotionally, and all without doing anything myself. i stuck around, worked some steps and stopped resisting the process.
that is what this is mostly about. one thing i can change is to stop resisting and allow the process to work. when i surrender <CRINGE> good stuff happens and for me, most days, what i can change is accepting my NEED to surrender and to stop trying to force my will on the outcome of what is going on around me. another thing i can change, right here and right now, is my physical location, so as i have a job and they desire me to be in the office, i think i will pack this in and get headed out. life is good and all things must pass, including my strong desire to hold on to the illusion of who i think i am today.

∞ DT ∞