Blog entry for:

or accepting anything at all, is one of the issues i have struggled with, for as long as i remember. i am grateful, however, that through an active program of recovery, i have found a modicum of the acceptance that has eluded me for so long. false humility aside, learning to accept and becoming accepting is an on-going process for me. oh it would be so nice to say that i accept everything life throws at me and that i have figured out where the line between what i can and cannot change really exists. the truth is, i am much better than i once was, but nowhere near perfect.
moving on, what i hear the most in the stories i tell myself and the stories i hear from other addicts, is how fVcking victimized one feels by the twists and turns of life. i may destroy all kinds of stuff, your property as well, but get all butt hurt when you do not inquire if i am all right. i may throw fits of violent jealous rage and wonder WTF, when you walk away and slap me with a restraining order, after all, it was you that made me do that and if only…
the fact is, most of the time, at least back in the day, blaming something, anything, for my behavior, prevented me from owning my part in what was happening. today, as much as i want to, there is a certain unease i feel in the air, every time i start down that path. it is also true, that sometimes life throws me something that is totally unexpected, that i am unprepared for, that i have absolutely no part in creating, save the fact i happened to be in that exact wrong place at the time. that is truly something i can categorize and have to deal with, when it happens. worrying about the tragedies that MAY occur, living under a cloud of suspecting the motives of everyone, and looking for the means to exonerate myself form whatever others may have seen me do, is all part of the manipulative part of me, that furthers the cause of active addiction. time and again, it is the stories i invent about what others are doing, that pander to the darker side within me, and separate me from the people who can support me in my recovery. it is after all, a whole lot easier to blame someone's disrespect on their envy, instead of looking at how i might have hurt or disrespected them in the past, after all i am some sort of spiritual guru, so it could not possible be my fault.
the ironic part of all of this, is when i hear a peer, a friend or an acquainted, complaining about all they do, and all that gets done to them, i have to chuckle inside, as i know exactly what they are thing. been there, done that, got the freaking 'T'-shirt. life is not fair, i accept that. life is just life, it favors me from time to time and at other times, not so much. justice for my perceived mishandling, is really not mine to mete out. the reading may not have gone down that path, but it set off a chain of thoughts that leads to the conclusion of the third disturbing realization, which has been playing in my head the last week; “i am NOT responsible for my addiction, i am, however responsible for my recovery.”
accepting what i cannot change, is part of exercising that responsibility and today is as good as any day to live by that credo.on that bright and cheery note i will say Ta-Ta for now and be off to earn my daily bread, which is also part of life that cannot be change. no not what i do, the fact that i need to do it, to maintain myself and my lifestyle.

∞ DT ∞