Blog entry for:

reclaiming joy. off the top of my head, these seem as if they are mutually exclusive, how can i find any joy when i am enduring loss? that certainly was the manner in which i viewed the world in active addiction, when i was merely abstinent and in the early part of my journey through the recovery process. over time, i have come to understand that the world is rarely binary and realized that my feelings were seldom one thing or another, rather a mix of two or more, in most situations. learning to see and accept the shades of grey has been a gift of recovery and one that i cherish to this day. i know many people see things differently and in my opinion, it is what it is, not stuff for me to fret and fume about anymore.
today did not get off to a great start and i was seconds away from ordering a new smartwatch as my current one, seemed to be frozen in a powered-off status. what i did instead, was try one last time before clicking the “Buy Now” button. shopping consumed all my time this morning and my plan was to write this after i got back from my workout. the reality was that did not happen and here i am, in the mid-afternoon, trying to recapture what i had before the morning went so freaking sideways. the day continues to be one frustration after another, but for now, i have found a space in which i am okay and ready to move forward, using the stuff i have, rather than attempting to get the next “bright and shiny” gadget to assuage my feelings. i am not a failure because of tech failures. i am not an idiot because i had to rewrite a chunk of code that was not working. most importantly i respect myself far too much to dwell in that house of pain, but i do have some work to get done. with that in mind i will post this missive to no one in particular, realize that i do have losses and reclaim the joy i find in being on this side of the lawn and choosing to be an active participant in my on-going recovery.

∞ DT ∞