โผ in the course of working the steps, i ask myself hard questions โผ
Posted: Thu, Jun 16, 2011 09:32:22 AM
about the role i have play in creating my unacceptable life. second chance at a second chance this morning. i wish i could blame my computer or internet connection for having to start this blog over, alas that is not in the cards, it was my own action that caused me start all over again.
what i was going on about, however was and is quite pertinent, just like i would love to blame outside forces for my mistakes, even to this day, so it was when i came to recovery, especially when it cam to my life and the issues that i had with that life. all of the problem with my life in active addiction HAD to be the result of outside influences. it was my parents, my sibs, society, the public education system, the courts, the police, and more than likely GOD, that was the root cause of all my problems. it could not be me, and if it was, even that had to have some root cause from outside, like something that happened when a distant ancestor happened to walk on two legs all those millennia ago.
it was not the first trip through the steps that got me thinking about my responsibility for the issues i had with life, unfortunately the focus of that set was so narrow, that deeper more complex issues were not addressed. i would once blame the fellowship that i happened to be a part of in those days for that failing. it was not their fault, i understand and take responsibility today for my inability to get what they gave me. they did their best to give me the gift of recovery, i basically took only what i thought i need and left the rest behind, as they told me it was a good idea to do. for me, what i left behind was the whole responsibility part of this gig.
when i finally got to the fellowship i call home today, i was pretty well messed up. treatment had taken me through the whole family of origin trip, and adding that on to my already sense of entitlement and victim hood, certainly created an untenable situation for me to continue to grow in recovery. it is a good thing that the sponsor i found in this fellowship was such a traditionalist about the steps. my whole attitude about what was my responsibility and what was not was given quite a jerk and i landed squarely in the comforting arms of the freedom that responsibility brings.
so yes i am powerless and my life is unmanageable, but that does not abdicate me from any responsibility in fixing what is going on. some issues will only be resolved through the change that working the steps brings to my life. some issues i can be resolved by me stepping up and using what i learned. some will never be resolved as they are a part of the human condition. the trick here is for me to acquire the wisdom to be able to make the correct choices as to what i can affect today.
as i sit here, a strange notion is running through my head. last night i was at a meeting where two newcomers who were part of my early recovery were in attendance. it felt weird as they both were among those i counted on as winners way back when and reconciling reality with what was and is, can be tough for me,. what is it that i got, that they did not, or what is it they did not do, so i can make any necessary adjustments to my program. once again, i am taking responsibility for my recovery. i need to move forward with my day, so it is off to the showers i go with this thought, the man i went through step five with last night has never ever been a part of recovery and yet i finally have HOPE that he too, will get it is his responsibility to recover and not that of some mystical or theoretical outside influence.
what i was going on about, however was and is quite pertinent, just like i would love to blame outside forces for my mistakes, even to this day, so it was when i came to recovery, especially when it cam to my life and the issues that i had with that life. all of the problem with my life in active addiction HAD to be the result of outside influences. it was my parents, my sibs, society, the public education system, the courts, the police, and more than likely GOD, that was the root cause of all my problems. it could not be me, and if it was, even that had to have some root cause from outside, like something that happened when a distant ancestor happened to walk on two legs all those millennia ago.
it was not the first trip through the steps that got me thinking about my responsibility for the issues i had with life, unfortunately the focus of that set was so narrow, that deeper more complex issues were not addressed. i would once blame the fellowship that i happened to be a part of in those days for that failing. it was not their fault, i understand and take responsibility today for my inability to get what they gave me. they did their best to give me the gift of recovery, i basically took only what i thought i need and left the rest behind, as they told me it was a good idea to do. for me, what i left behind was the whole responsibility part of this gig.
when i finally got to the fellowship i call home today, i was pretty well messed up. treatment had taken me through the whole family of origin trip, and adding that on to my already sense of entitlement and victim hood, certainly created an untenable situation for me to continue to grow in recovery. it is a good thing that the sponsor i found in this fellowship was such a traditionalist about the steps. my whole attitude about what was my responsibility and what was not was given quite a jerk and i landed squarely in the comforting arms of the freedom that responsibility brings.
so yes i am powerless and my life is unmanageable, but that does not abdicate me from any responsibility in fixing what is going on. some issues will only be resolved through the change that working the steps brings to my life. some issues i can be resolved by me stepping up and using what i learned. some will never be resolved as they are a part of the human condition. the trick here is for me to acquire the wisdom to be able to make the correct choices as to what i can affect today.
as i sit here, a strange notion is running through my head. last night i was at a meeting where two newcomers who were part of my early recovery were in attendance. it felt weird as they both were among those i counted on as winners way back when and reconciling reality with what was and is, can be tough for me,. what is it that i got, that they did not, or what is it they did not do, so i can make any necessary adjustments to my program. once again, i am taking responsibility for my recovery. i need to move forward with my day, so it is off to the showers i go with this thought, the man i went through step five with last night has never ever been a part of recovery and yet i finally have HOPE that he too, will get it is his responsibility to recover and not that of some mystical or theoretical outside influence.
∞ DT ∞