Blog entry for:

...was my own attitudes and my own actions, not the people, places, and things around me.
and boy was that something that shocked the shit out of me. after spending my life finding, diverting and casting blame to everyone and everything around me, only to come to recovery and have my illusions shattered! BUMMER DUDE!
actually things got worse from there, after i was rudely awoken to the fact that the people and institutions in my life was not to blame, i thought cool i can pin all my bad behavior on the disease of addiction, after all if i was not an addict, my life would not be the mess it was then. and i thought i had found the perfect loophole in the first step -- i am powerless over my addiction. so instead of saying you cannor blame me because i was really high at the time, it changed to i cannot be blamed because i suffer from the disease of addiction and i am powerless.
and that worked for about thirty seconds, until someone that had more time than i did pointed out that blaming my disease was not the path to recovery, continuing the blame game would only lead me back to using, which was where i wanted to go back in those early days anyhow. i wanted to be declared incorrigible by those same institutions and people for whom i had blamed all my troubles on, and left to my own devices -- a return to daily use. after all, for me the substances and behaviors were still working, i could still get high, i could still rationalize and justify using the people around me, and i had no bad feelings about taking what i wanted!
well you guys and the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS had a different path in mind, and on that cool crisp late september day, i made a decision to start to take responsibility for my life, accept the hand i had been dealt, and start to live. it was the end of my twenty- six year dance with death and a turning towards a more spiritual manner of living.
accepting my life as it is today has not always been easy. right now things are great but that has not and will not always be the case. my job, as i see it, is to be grateful for all that i have, accept responsibility to prepare for tomorrow and honestly look to what needs to change. and truthfully. what needs to change is not the world surrounding me!
BIG BUMMER DUDE, i have to do the work and allow my HIGHER POWER to make the changes in me, once again. and you know in this moment i am okay with that notion, but i am sure this too shall pass!

∞ DT ∞