Blog entry for:

have been given is actually pretty good, no matter how much i gripe about the bits and pieces that do measure up to my overdone expectations. the cynic in me, is always seeking out those not so savory tidbits, so he has something to whine about and i can keep my reputation of being dark and surly, intact. after all, it is all about how i look! 😎 😉
coming to terms with what was and accepting that i will never get anything out of living in my past, no matter how much i desire to get closure. i am whole, and i am learning to be genuine after six decades of hiding in the shadows. out of that comes the self-assurance i have so desperately desired since i became a member and decided to walk this path. oh sure, i could be richer, younger, smarter or better looking, but living in what could be instead of the what is, is what i took away from the reading this morning. focusing on what i do not like in my life has been a motivating factor in keeping me on this path of recovery. the irony here is, what i did not or could not see, was actually what was driving this bus. the lie of being broken and having to hide my “true” self, to prevent getting hurt, brought me to this point. it has, as i am now quite aware, outlived its usefulness and i am well on the way to rediscovering who i really am.
i know many of my peers see this process as “peeling back the layers of an onion.” i can say i abhor that metaphor and have since i heard it in another fellowship. i cannot for the life of me understand why some of my peers cling to this image, but they do. i liken my journey to an archeological dig, with treasures and trash buried under layers and layers of earth, waiting to once again see the light of day. some of the time i excavate with dynamite, such as my last Fourth Step, some of the time, with pickaxes and shovels and often with camel hair brushes to reveal the fine details. now that i have found what i believed to be true, to be the cage that bound me for decades on end, it is my job to see all the artifacts of my past that has been previously rediscovered, in a new light and reinterpret who i really am today. which is someone who values his physical fitness and does something just for today, to foster that desire. time to dress out, get out and sweat out, in this early June morning.

∞ DT ∞