Blog entry for:

accept bits of life i do not like. it is true, that my life is a bit chaotic these days. the sale of our Mexican real estate has dragged on and on, and maybe is arriving at a place where we get what we were promised. i had a very good interview for a position with a company i really liked, doing something i like to do and made some concessions on compensation. even so, the other candidate come much cheaper and i am all over wanting to cave down to that level. in other words, patience and self-worth are not my watchwords these days. as i sat this morning i see that the expectations i have are coloring the view of the world and to present a bit of a spoiler for my “share” this morning, a back-sliding into a “fox-hole” sort of spiritual path. the insanity of that sort desperation is riddled with irony. for now, i think i will walk away from that particular topic and move in a different direction.
accepting the parts of my life that “feel” unacceptable, means more to me than just changing how i “see” them. that Jedi mind trick certainly worked for a very long time for me and i certainly still pay lip service to that sort stuff when i am speaking to a new guy. in reality, just how i “see” things does very little any more to make me “feel” better. the simple fact is, at times life just sucks and calling that an “growth opportunity” does very little to make it any less “sucky.” i am fairly certain the new guys know that as well. my job is to give them an alternative path, even if i have come to see for me, accepting rather than changing how i “see” things is easier, softer way.
what comes to my mind is that some of the time, nay belay that, most of the time, i lack gratitude for the life i have today. okay, i can sing “hallelujah and praise the LORD” for what i have, but i do not believe that it was all the doing of the POWER that fuels my recovery. the program of living i have been offered, has brought me to amazing places, and yet i have a tendency to look at what it is that i do not particularly care for. i still am overwhelmed by DESIRE and quite comfortable backsliding into a belief system that never really fit. oops, i said i was not going there. what i mostly backslide into, is an attitude of self-reliance and not needing anything from anyone or anything to show me the way. i “know” and dammit it i will use whatever i can to make it come out the way i expect it to come out. i have the power to influence people and events and i am going to use it with impertinent arrogance. nice work when one can find it! what i am forgetting is that everything i have today, is the result of the program i have decided to live today. i need a bit of gratitude for getting clean and finding the ways and means to stay clean, day after day, just for today.
as i get ready to meet this Saturday and head on out to the real world, i can be certain that if i choose to find the gratitude that is within me, i will grow a bit more patient and will be able to let go of the events that are working in my background, come to their own conclusions. in short accept what is driving me nutz and see where i can move along to make the changes i need to make in my life today. it is after all a great day to be grateful for what i have and what i have the opportunity to get today, another day clean in active recovery.

∞ DT ∞