Blog entry for:

just as i am often unforgiving of my own mistakes, i may shut out friends and family members when they do not meet my expectations. guess what? this morning is just one of those times. i laid in bed longer than i wanted to, some of the **auto magic** tasks that need to be completed for me to commence my day did not happen, and i cannot seem to get my mind up to the speed i desire it to go, to get some stuff done. my reaction? ignore what is happening, grind my teeth and muscle my way through this seemingly impenetrable wall of jello.
what i heard in the reading this morning, suggests that this is an alternate path to take, one that create a sense of peace instead of anger and frustration, with consequences far more desirable to me and the world around me. that path? to accept that i am human, that there will be times when even i have trouble getting rolling in the morning, even though i am a morning person. out of acceptance flows the ability for me to surrender to the facts, and from surrender comes the serenity i need to pick up my tool bag, do what i can, before i get frustrated and take it out on those whom i love and that love me, or even worse total strangers on the road and in public venues.
yes it would be nice to be able to be all things to myself, so totally complete that i could be a resource of infinite whatever to the world around me. barring that impossibility, i would be content to accept myself totally, without any reservations, which is something that is possible, but not very probable today. the hope is that if i live this recovery gig, and if i stay clean another day, i can be that much closer to this ideal tomorrow. i can accept that and move on. moving on…
…putting this into the context of my life and growth over the past year is the easy part of this task. i can see it so clearly now that i am amazed how it eluded me a year ago. what has been going on is that i was angry at others fro treating me with disrespect, especially those for whom i care deeply. that anger was misdirected. i was the one who was disrespectful of myself, to allow myself to participate in unequal and unhealthy relationships. the more i lashed out at others, the more i was lashing out at myself. how could i expect anyone to treat me as an equal when i did not believe i was an equal with myself? on and on that goes, and this could quite easily degenerate into a masochistic self-flagellation exercise, and today i am better than that and deserve to treat myself better than that. so with that insight and all of its various implications, i do believe i will go hit the streets and get moving forward into the rest of my day, accepting that the pace i am moving, is the pace i am moving, and do what i can to live withing those constraints, accepting them as they are, just a temporary condition that will also pass with time. after all, i am only just another addict living within the human condition!

∞ DT ∞