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the just for today reading blind-sided me this morning. lately i have been finding myself lacking in many areas of my life and judging myself according to standards that no one could ever achieve. this self critical behavior has led me to view my friends and peers in recovery with the same distorted outlook.
i have a friend who is doing everything in his power to make recovery fit what he feels his life should look like and fill the GOD shaped void with sex. i feel frustrated, angry and judgmental every time i speak to him. this attitude seems to be a reflection of what i am feeling about myself these days. i basically have taken the past month off from the responsibilities that provide me with the extra resources that make my life a bit more comfortable and enjoyable. i get angry at my clients because they are demanding results;
“who the fuck do they think they are anyhow? don’t they know who I am?”
then i get angry and disappointed at myself when i look at my bank statements and my upcoming plans. this anger is carried forward day to day, so i have built a nice little resentment towards myself, because i am not meeting my expectations. i could rationalize my behavior as a reaction to the emotional roller coaster i have had the privilege to be on over the past month, but rationalizations is not what i NEED today, I have rationalized my behavior enough in the past.
i feel today that i need to see the recent past for what it is -- THE PAST-- and move forward with the work i agreed to do, forgive myself for being a bit more human than i wish to be and DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING.
just as my friend is struggling so hard to fit his program to his life, i see myself doing the exact same thing only not quite so overtly. what is lacking is the forgiveness, tolerance and acceptance of myself i am trying to fit the internal part of the program into my life instead of surrendering to the principles i so glibly spout off at the drop of a hat. so the at least i have a starting point of once again surrendering my WHOLE will and my WHOLE life to GOD and the program of recovery i have chosen to live.
∞ DT ∞